Wife likes dog more than me!

[anonamauz]

Or at least that's how it feels lately...

My wife and I got our pet dog together after we had been dating for 6-8 months. We've now been together over 4 years, and married for the last 1.5 years.

My wife has always been a pet person- I love the dog too, but lately I feel resentment towards the dog. I feel I'm competing with our dog for my wife's attention and affection. And I can't win against this animal.

When we're lying on the couch, she'd rather cuddle with the dog. If we're alone on the couch, she'll call the dog up- and more often than not, the dog acts as a wedge between us. We're already having trouble with intimacy and sexual compatability, and this seems one more obstacle that is unnessecary. It almost seems like a subconscious means of avoiding intimate situations with me.

I've gotten my wife to agree to keep the dog out of the bed- I need at least one place in the house that isn't covered in fur or smells like a dog. But also, a place that is reserved for just my wife and I.

Don't get me wrong, I like our dog, and I have no problem with my wife showering the dog with affection- as long as it's not at the expense of intimacy with me.

I think a big contributor to this problem is trust. My wife has admitted that she has trouble trusting me, particularly in sexual situations (and according to her, this is not due to anything I've done- previous bad relationships have made her put up a wall around her emotional self). So where the dog gets unconditional love, trust, and affection, I constantly have to prove myself.

Truthfully, I think my wife has conflicting interests- on one hand, she has developed a resentment and distrust of men in general(from previous bad relationships), but on the other hand, she wants the storybook family. For me, I have trouble accepting that my wife can't offer me the trust I think I deserve- does she think that the vows I gave her were merely lip service?

So not only does it bother me when she gives the dog attention instead of me, it's a constant reminder that I'm not eligible for the same unconditional love and trust.

Of course, all this is terribly depressing...

[Maria]

It seems the dog is just the tip of the iceberg, as you have noticed yourself. I would say, work on your intimacy... try to have more time for the two of you where the dog can't be... take her out, establish a date evening for you, outside the house, go to the movies, to the restaurant, to taco bell, but take her out and date!

Maybe she has a hard time working on her trust issues, but you haven't done anything to deserve this, not cheated, not made her jealous, not giving her reasons to feel insecure... actually you are the one now feeling insecure and if she's not a selfish wife, she'll help you. In a couple nobody can be the center, by definition there's no center between two people. Well, except if the dog is between Just kidding, both of you have to be reassured, it's only normal.

If that doesn't work, maybe you should consider counseling.

[dgirl]

It's understandable you're upset. Will your wife go to counselling for her distrust of men? About the dog he gets unconditional love, trust, and affection because he will always give it back. It's so much easier to love a dog who will always be there when you need to talk, and won't be judgemental etc. I think it would really help if your wife would be willing to work through the problems that cause her to be distrustful.

[HunterGreenLove]

I have to agree with what dgirl stated. This goes a lot deeper than just the dog. Your wife has some serious issues about trust and needs to find a way to work through them. Look to your church if you attend one for couples enrichment seminars...find a good couples counselor that also deals with individuals. This is more about her than your relationship but if she doesn't get her back together she will continue to build those walls higher.

Also did all of this start at a specific time or has it always been like this? Do you remember doing anything that might have made her not trust you?

[Mountain Lover]

Fella .. I empathize with you. Sometimes, I've felt like I was the last one in line myself. And, I definitely agree with the others that your wife probably has some serious trust issues and SHE needs to address them. After all .. you've been there for 4 years for her. The trust needs to deepen .. not become less and less.
But .. IMO .. you probably ought to look for some little things that you MIGHT be doing that would cause her to withdraw. For instance .. when she comes up with an idea .. do you support it? Or, do you put down her suggestions? Or, worse yet, do you just not comment on them? .. which is also a very negative signal.
When the two of you are talking about something .. do you really listen to her? Or, do you state your position and not budge from it?

I agree with the others when they suggest counseling. I think you need that neutral playing field where both of you can air your feelings .. and have someone else there to key in on them and show the other spouse what's actually being said.
But .. no matter what you decide .. you really need to fix this. You certainly don't want to go thru married life without intimacy or communication or without each other being the most important priority.

[DavidL]

Dear anonamauz--

Thank you for writing ConsciousLoving and sharing your story with us. I can "feel" your frustration about this situation and I can tell that you really want more well deserved intimacy.

I think you've gotten some really good advice; but I wanted to add my 2 cents worth as well.

The problem isn't the dog--just keep that in mind!

The time has now come for the both of you to work on building trust between you--and that sounds like she's going to need some professional help. You should go--even if she won't because you are, IMO, vulnerable right now. People who don't feel loved often become vulnerable to outside influences and you certainly don't want that to happen to this relationship.

Also, I want to stress that she is more likely going to respond to your needs if SHE FEELS affection from you. I'm not talking a peck on the cheek or you trying to initiate some sexual action--I'm talking about some deeply felt affection towards her where you talk deeply about your feelings towards each other (only positive ones are allowed!). She will also need to feel that you are listening to her. No doubt, there are many insecurities buried deep within her--and, most likely, these will only release when she feels she can talk them out with you. IMO, if your wife feels deep affection from you--the intimacy will take care of itself. But I think in your case, it will be up to you to make the first move.

Learning to show affection is an art and varies from woman to woman. Don't be afraid to study up and try a lot of different approaches. Remember, the things that cause some women to feel affection won't work at all on another woman.

I do wish you well,

David