Ok i give up

[Michael]

Ok i'll try and keep this short as possible. I live in Ireland but go to the USA a lot as a lot of my relations live there, uncles, aunts and cousins...

2 months ago i had 2 weddings the same weekend , one in NY and the other CT and both were cousins getting married.. months prior to the wedding my aunt was like " Oh i'll sort out a date for you". No probs i said..

However leading up to it i heard my aunt had one date and my cousin had another date for me and i thought i don't want this hassle so i told them don't bother as i'm bringing someone and left it at that.

Anyway at the church across from me i saw someone that i couldn't keep my eyes off, you know when you see someone attractive you can't help but keep looking she was quite pretty with nice long black hair

Anyway at the wedding reception my aunt asked where my date was and i told her i came alone and she says don't worry i'll sort it for you and ran of somewhere with me going " Oh god " to myself Apparently the bride had a friend they wanted me to hook up with.. Anyway everyone was so busy it never happened. I went back to Ireland. I did have her name and age 36.

When i got back to IRL i looked at the the brides Facebook friends to see if she was on it and then i saw her name and when i saw her picture i couldn't believe it, it was the gal at the church with the long black hair

So anyway i wrote a message to her and she replied that she was glad i found her as she heard a lot about me and was sorry we didn't get to meet at the wedding etc...

So for the last 6 weeks we wrote everyday, talked on the phone a few times. The emails were never boring we had lots to say in them everytime and looked forward to them everyday. Judging from her emails she seemed a very nice person, the bride who is her friend wouldn't be friends with her otherwise..She was really looking forward to meeting etc like myself.

I did say to her there are no rules here. I said we haven't met yet and that if she meets someone before i go over ( which is 3 weeks tomorrow) i would like her to tell me straight away rather than me figure it out myself like i usually do with people i have met online dating sites.

So last Saturday things were very quiet from her, not like her to be that quiet on a Saturday. So all i text her was " Is everything ok? Has anything changed, are we still meeting?" Because i wrote that it's all over. She claimed i don't trust her by writing that and if there is no trust a relationship can't work etc etc. Apparently she did text me that day but it got delayed to my phone. It was nothing about trust, i said to her if you meet someone fine there are no rules here. Just let me know. It was more a status check to see if she had met someone over the weekend and if so it was fine. From experience women are slow to tell you if they have this way.

I did text her then that night and i asked is it fecked up and are we still meeting and she replied "No" and i wrote back "Ok fair enough , take care" and i have heard nothing since. Also yesterday she erased me off her facebook. which is bad sign..

I'm very annoyed about it. Firstly i was sooo looking forward to meeting in 3 weeks time, i was counting the days and it fecks up over that text i sent???? Now come on put it into perspective when you see all these women who adore their men who beat them up and cheat! and i get stiffed over that text???? I want to add that when i didn't get a chance to write HER an email she would text me and ask "EVERYTHING OK?" so pot calling the kettle black????

Anyway it probably can't be saved? Someone suggested leave it and the day before i go to the US send her a short email saying i'll be there and see if she writes back and suggests to meet, other than that i really give up, one failure after another

[jamesb]

First, I think you've invested way too much of yourself in something that never really got started. Perhaps, in this case, you're infatuation has got the better of you. It is disappointing, I understand that part but what can you do about it? Either she's deliberately misinterpreted you so that she doesn't have to be honest with you or she's a bit thick and has difficulty with communication. As you mentioned, it was fair game for her to use the exact same line to check in with you. So apparently there is a different set of rules for you. In either case you've probably been spared a major headache.

My advice is, send her one last message to clear the air. That way you can at least resolve (with yourself if not with her) this misunderstanding and put it behind you. If you're lucky she'll understand and agree to meet with you. Or, if you're lucky, you'll move on to someone else who is a bit easier to understand.

Good luck.

[Michael]

Thanks James for the reply. i don't think it's an infatuation thing i'm just disappointed she seemed a nice woman and we had been writing for 6 weeks and only had 3 weeks to go before we met, it's kinda frustrating

Anyway i have just just shooted her one last email to see what happens, at least i tried..

[jerseygirl]

Did you really write her that "it's over" because she was quiet one day? if so, I don't blame her for being annoyed, nor do I blame her for being annoyed by your continually bringing up whether she's dating other people (which she should have been, btw, considering you hadn't even met yet, and IMO if she were she was under no obligation to tell you). I think she started to think you were insecure, mistrustful, and were going to be possessive or constantly asking for reassurance. Let us know what happens with the e-mail.

[Michael]

Obviously Jerseygirl you didn't read my post properly. Where does it say i told her "it's over"???. She told me she didn't want to meet! Also i only had mentioned that ONCE in the whole 6 weeks! We did often talk about dating other people and i did point out to her there were no rules but she told me she wasn't interested until she met me, her words.
I am far from possesive etc etc..anyway for anyone interested we are in talks at the moment she replied to my email.

[facetious]

Originally Posted by Michael

I did say to her there are no rules here.

If someone, whom I have not even formally met, say this to me, that would tell me you are not very interested in me.

I mean really, if you are truly interested in her, why would you not keep the interest level high and in your favor? Why would you give her the indication that meeting someone else first is a possibility and would be OK? I would think keeping the ball in your court would be in your best interest. No?

IMO.

[Michael]

Originally Posted by facetious

If someone, whom I have not even formally met, say this to me, that would tell me you are not very interested in me.

I mean really, if you are truly interested in her, why would you not keep the interest level high and in your favor? Why would you give her the indication that meeting someone else first is a possibility and would be OK? I would think keeping the ball in your court would be in your best interest. No?

IMO.

No you have it wrong. Trust me i have an interest in her. I told her that because i felt i had to because at the time there was a 2 month gap before we met. There are no guarantees when we meet so i thought what if the guy of her dreams comes along and she turned him down and then realised i wasn't for her? Would she resent me for turning him down? Anyway i was glad when she said she wasn't intetested in hooking up with anyone...

Anyway looks like we might be able to work it out, looks more positive.

[jerseygirl]

Originally Posted by Michael

Obviously Jerseygirl you didn't read my post properly. Where does it say i told her "it's over"???. She told me she didn't want to meet! Also i only had mentioned that ONCE in the whole 6 weeks! We did often talk about dating other people and i did point out to her there were no rules but she told me she wasn't interested until she met me, her words.
I am far from possesive etc etc..anyway for anyone interested we are in talks at the moment she replied to my email.

Well, I copied this directly from your post: "Because i wrote that it's all over."

Maybe you meant it differently than I interpreted it, but it does appear that you said that in your post.

[Michael]

I see what you mean. What i meant by that was " because i wrote that text(qouted above) it is now all over" . It's funny a lot of this problem is due to this, misinterpredations,.

[jerseygirl]

"It's funny a lot of this problem is due to this, misinterpredations,."

I agree very much with this. That's why I try to have important conversations by phone. The advent of text and e-mail has led to many situations like this. Talking out the tone of voice, inflections, etc, changes the meaning of what people are saying in significant ways sometimes.

[Michael]

A little update, things seem a lot better. It looks like we probably will end up meeting 2 and half weeks time.

[Michael]

A small question. Even though things seem a lot better now emailing etc i do sense ( but could be my imagination after what happened) there may be a slight loss of interest level from her after what happened last week..

My question is that because of the fact we haven't actually met this should be something not to really worry about? I mean she doesn't know the "real me" so as long as she does meet me the final outcome should really be the same, i mean the actually meeting is what actually matters? I'm not sure if i'm explaining it right.

The reason i ask is that if she has lost intetest level in the emailing etc just wondered if i'm wasting my time..

[jamesb]

How often do you email? If it's often try backing off a little on the email. I would keep things light and look forward to the fact that there is still going to be a meeting at all. That's what really matters at this point.

[euterpe]

It could just be that you guys are running out of things to say via email with out having met in person yet. I wouldn't worry too much about it at this point.

[Michael]

Originally Posted by euterpe

It could just be that you guys are running out of things to say via email with out having met in person yet. I wouldn't worry too much about it at this point.

No that's not the problem here. Before what happened she was looking forward to meeting me and couldn't wait etc etc. Now it's gone to she doesn't know, it's neither a NO or a YES and see how it goes..

That would mean the interest level has dropped somewhat so i'm trying to figure out whether i'm wasting my time or not. So if she does meet me and goes to meet me with a half hearted feeling surely it won't work?

[jerseygirl]

You are way too invested here. This meeting should be fun - you don't even know if you're going to feel the same aout HER once you meet. Stop talking so much before you meet. There is NO relationship here yet, you are meeting to see if there is potential. Stop putting so much pressure on it and just see what happens.

[Michael]

UPDATE: Well the meeting went ahead last Thursday. We met for just over an hour as it was late. The date went well, had a good time and a laugh. All seem to be going well until the email the next day. She claimed she felt no chemistry and no love at first site. I have to assume it was about looks She must go for looks because you can't expect miracles after an hour! I think James said it well too. She would be only a headache. She is an over sensitive drama queen who wants a guy who is perfect. God help him if he so much as farted! It also makes me wonder why her husband got up one morning to do some errands and she never saw him again and then he divorced her!

One thing for sure Jerseygirl has really hit it on the head. Too much was invested in it. Sure it can pay off if it's love at first sight but it's rare. I guess when you're nearly 40 and still single it's very easy to get hooked on something like this....