Victims should know how to predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. A person can be battered, regardless of gender, age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Below is a list of behaviors that may be seen in people who beat their partners. In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a victim can recognize, but they are often very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealously over ridiculous things). In the beginning of a relationship, these behaviors can be “explained” by the batterer as "love and concern." As time goes on, the batterer’s behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish and maintain power and control over the victim.

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the victim about who he/she talks to, accusations of flirting are often heard, or the abuser may express resentment of time he/she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work for fear he/she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to "spy."


2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the victim’s safety and well-being. The abuser will be angry if the victim is “late” and will question whereabouts, who was seen or spoken to, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not allow the victim to make personal decisions about the house, for example, what clothes to wear, or decisions about going to church. An abuser may keep all of the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.


3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to"; or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser may pressure a victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that brings about feelings of guilt if the victim wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship at a later date.


4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive persons may expect the victims to meet all of their needs. The abuser may expect the man/woman to be the perfect husband/wife, father/mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need."


5. ISOLATION: The abusive person may try to cut the victim off from all resources. A victim is often encouraged and even kept away from family members. The abuser may accuse friends and family of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may limit access to the car or not have one that is reliable, or keep the victim from working, attending school, going to church, or becoming involved in any community activity.


6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him/her; someone is always doing him/her wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her, thus hindering concentration on work. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.


7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser may tell the victim, "You make me so mad," "you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser makes the decision about what he/she feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious are claims such as, "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."


8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his/her feelings are hurt when he/she is really mad or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen, things that are really just a part of life, such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.


9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS: The abuser may expect children to do things beyond their ability (e.g. spanks a 2-year old for wetting a diaper), or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (65% of those who beat their partners will also abuse their children). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home. This is also a person who punishes animals brutally, is insensitive to their pain and suffering, or may even kill a victim’s pet to hurt him/her.


10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the victim down or hold them down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless and the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. The abuser may attempt having intercourse while the victim is sleeping or demand sex when he/she is ill or tired.


11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the victim by cursing or minimizing accomplishments. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking up the victim or keeping the victim from sleeping.


12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the victim to serve him/her, perhaps saying that the victim must be obedient in all things, including things that are criminal in nature. The abuser may see the victim as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without the relationship.


13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abusers’ sudden mood changes -- they may think that the abuser is exploding. "Explosiveness" and "moodiness" are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

The following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers:

1. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may admit to battery in the past, but that it was only one time and certainly not his/her fault. The victim may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat anyone if the relationship lasts long enough. Stressful circumstances do not make a person abusive.


2. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the victim, such as "I’ll knock your head off," "I’m going to kill you," "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, "everybody talks like that."


3. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (e.g. breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with a fist or throw objects around or near the victim. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior -- not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when people think they have the right to punish or frighten their partners.


4. ANY USE OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the victim against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me."

This article was generously contributed by:

Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc.
P.O. Box 1923
Fayetteville, AR 72702
1-877-442-9811, pvfv@nwark.com.