Step Three: Stop the blame game.

It is so easy to be at war with our partners! We hold tightly to our point of view, we draw lines in the sand of our home territory, and we are just absolutely sure that whatever is going on, it is our partner’s fault. It certainly could not be ours! It is so easy to blame. We all know the stories, they unfold for us every day. We blame our partner for what is wrong, in our life and in the relationship. We blame them for why we are unhappy. “If only you could communicate better, our relationship would improve”. “We don’t have fun anymore and it is your fault”. “If only you made more money, our life would be better”. On and on and on it goes. Often when we encounter our partner doing something differently than we what want them to, we blame them for our own uncomfortable feelings and we make them wrong. The problem is that, just like criticism, it never feels good to be blamed for something. Certainly we won’t want to change if we feel our partner blaming us for who we are or what we are doing. Couples get caught in the trap of blame. Take a moment and think about the ways in which you blame your partner for the way things are in your life or ways that you feel blamed by them. Think about the ways you feel you are right and they are wrong or the ways they feel they are right and you are wrong. THE TRUTH IS NO ONE IS TO BLAME! Blaming the other is never the answer to resolution and harmony. When we blame, we exude negativity and judgment and that never serves our relationship well. In fact, it is inherently damaging. No blame? Easier said than done, right?

We agree, stopping the blame game can be a challenge but it can be done and the rewards are magnificent. The key to withdrawing blame is to recognize that relationship dynamics are shared, and each person plays their own part. It is important for each person to look for their part in what is going on in the conflict. To take responsibility for what they can do to change their part. It is also important to acknowledge that our partner is not wrong, and see that they are just contributing their part in the conflict. Here is a simple example. Let’s say one person likes a very neat and tidy house and the other person is more casual, they don’t mind a bit of mess, they don’t always clean up after themselves right away. This is a common war zone among couples. The neat one can blame the messy one for being messy and they feel so sure that keeping a neat house is the “right way”. They blame the other for their unhappiness about their home life, and probably their general unhappiness. They sit in judgment of their partner. “She is such a slob. How can she live like this? What is wrong with her? If only she would clean up I would feel better!” The messy one feels the same self-righteousness, and they sit in judgment of the tidy one - “He is so uptight! Why can’t he relax? If only he were not so uptight we could have a happier home life!” Round and round it goes. We know all too well that the back and forth of blame might never stop. It feels awful and it profoundly impacts relationships in a negative way.

So is there a way off of this merry go round? There is, if both partners can pull back their blame by practicing the following:

1. Realize that there is no right or wrong in our relationship dance. Our perspective is just one idea of what is right or wrong. Our partner has another perspective. Neither is the absolute correct way.

2. Take greater responsibility for what you think, feel, and do in your relationship. In the deepest sense, your partner does not make you feel anything. What you feel is the result of your own past history. So, the feelings or situations that we are blaming our partner for offers us a profound opportunity for growth. Rather than seeing our partner as the enemy, we can ask ourselves: What can I learn here about who I am,? What is my attachment to having things the way I want it right now? What is in my history that feels the same as what is going on know? Is there some old pain or other negative emotions related to that history that are showing themselves now? How could I respond differently?. When we resist blame and take responsibility, all of a sudden the dynamic changes and there is more spaciousness and less rigidity (locked in feeling) in the conflict. We feel a tad bit more understanding and that understanding opens our heart. If both parties can pull back from blame and begin to see what they bring to the conflict and admit it they grow toward resolution. A softer place emerges for both and that place offers the opportunity for compromise, for the issues to be seen in a new light, with a solution that works for everyone. We each feel more willing to give. Maybe one person feels more inclined to pick up a few more things because they understand that it is important and they care about what their partners want. It is so much easier to care about the others feelings when we are not feeling blamed. Maybe the neat one feels able to relax a bit and recognize that what is more important is that they both feel comfortable in their home. It is hard to compromise when we feel blame. Blame feeds conflict.
A Practice for Noticing Our Blame:
Here is something to try. Spend one day noticing whenever you feel blame toward your partner, whether it is verbally expressed or you just feel it. Take note. As you notice, write down each occurrence in a notebook. This process works best if both partners do participate. At the end of the day review what you have written. Think about each criticism or blaming behavior in the light of “no one is right and no one is wrong”. What can you own that is the part you bring to the dynamic. If you step away from blame and making your partner wrong, how could you see your partner in a different light? From that, how might the conflict better resolve for greater harmony between you?
As an on-going practice, non blaming is can be a challenge but one that will serve your primary relationship and all your relationships very well.

Step One: Spend time connecting every day.

Step Two: Show appreciation every day.

We hope you have enjoyed this article and invite you to visit our website if you would like more information about how you can further work toward harmony at home.
or call 541-687-2835.
Wishing you joyful and harmonious relationship.
Louis and Ruthanne Carosio, Radiant Life Center

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