Step Two: Show Appreciation Every Day

We all know how good it feels to be appreciated. It is music to our ears and soothes our souls. That is true for everyone. It feels especially good to be appreciated for some of those day to day things we do, like making meals or keeping a clean house, or going off to the office every day. When we are not appreciated for those things we can start to feel taken for granted. This never feel good. Not for us, not for our partners.

When couples make a practice of appreciating one another several times every day, this appreciation acts like a balm to the relationship. Think about it. You finish making a meal and set it out on the table. It feels so good to have your partner say “hey, thanks honey for this delicious meal you have created. I really appreciate it.” Or when your partner has just finished an hours long yard project, it feels good to them when we say, “Wow, you worked hard on that, thank you so much”. It may seem a little silly and contrived but we invite you to try it. It is hard to feel negative or confliction with our partner when we have just been appreciated or have felt and expressed appreciation for them. This just sets a tone of positivity. It is quite simply a good vibration between you.

It is common to think that we can change our partners through criticizing their behavior. If you just tell them often enough that they are wrong, or doing something wrong, they will change it, right? Wrong. Criticism rarely changes anyone. Let’s say that again, criticism rarely changes anyone. We all know that when we are criticized we mostly feel defensive and resentful and not motivated to change. It does not feel good to be criticized. Yet, it is so easy to be critical, hoping to change our partner.

However, when we express appreciation for our partner, they feel better about themselves, about us, and about the relationship. They often feel more compelled to be influenced by what you desire to see happen. They wish to make you happy! Let’s take a for instance. After a long day himself, John has just worked hard to make a beautiful dinner. Mary has had a long day too and is a bit grumpy. She eats the meal and says to John “you know I really don’t like that you made fish tonight. I was really in the mood for chicken.” John feels deflated, maybe hopping mad and less inclined to make Mary anything that she wants to eat in the future. Instead, consider that Mary just expressed gratitude and appreciation by saying “Hey that was a great meal. I really appreciate how you managed to make it even though you have had a long day too.” John feels validated and appreciated. Maybe later Mary says, “you know what I really have the hankering for soon is that great chicken dish you make.” You bet John is going to be on it.

When we live in appreciation of our partner, we live in the recognition of the best parts of them. We see all that is good and we acknowledge it. As that becomes our point of focus, that is what grows in our life and within our partners. Simple as that. Our partners are actually more likely to make changes we would like if we stay away from criticism and practice appreciation. Being in appreciation is a simple practice. Take the time every day to appreciate each other as many times as you can. Simple statements within the flow of the day are fine and great. Here is a practice that makes appreciation even more powerful.
An Appreciation Practice:
Earlier we gave you the practice of sitting together and breathing and being in connection with one another, spending a little time just being together without distraction. While you are doing this, add a piece of expressing some appreciation to one another about either something the other does, or how they look, or the qualities about them that you most admire and love. Take turns and go back and forth until several appreciations have been spoken.

Step One: Spend time connecting every day.

Step Three: Stop the blame game.

We hope you have enjoyed this article and invite you to visit our website if you would like more information about how you can further work toward harmony at home.
or call 541-687-2835.
Wishing you joyful and harmonious relationship.
Louis and Ruthanne Carosio, Radiant Life Center

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