Step One: Spend time connecting every day.

This is absolutely the most important thing you can do right now to improve your relationship. It is deceptively simple. Couples who take the time to really connect every day build a foundation in their relationship that offers something to stand on when there is conflict. It doesn’t take much time. It is just important that we do it. When we take the time to connect with our partners every day, important things begin to happen. By bringing our full presence and focused attention to our partner, they truly know they are important to us. Our time and attention says to them that amid life’s many things to do, they are a priority. When our partners give us their time and attention it lets us know that we are also a priority to our them. We all need that. We can’t say enough about how good this is for a relationship. Daily connecting time can take the form of a long and relaxed hug in the morning and some face to face talking time, or maybe in the evening after a long days work is the best time for you to connect. Dinner, a drink, a walk, it doesn’t matter. Just make sure the TV is off and you are really listening to one another, no distractions. In doing this you are bringing a deeper sense of your own presence to your time. Even if it is brief some days, 15 or 20 minutes, that is okay. Relationship research has shown that it doesn’t take much time of daily connection to keep a relationship on track. When possible, take the time to be together and connect for longer periods.

The reason this step is deceptively simple is that it is so common for couples to miss or resist this concept. Daily life can be such a monster of time and energy. Our jobs, our kids, our life outside the home can seem so terribly important and time consuming. Our partners are there, day after day, brushing their teeth beside us. Ho, hum. Isn’t what is happening in our outside life more important? We kindly suggest, NO! The relationship is the most important! Wasn’t that true in the beginning? Is it not true now? We see over and over again that if a relationship is not tended with presence, with time and energy, difficulties arise. Lack of connection over months and years leads to serious relationship trouble. Couples take each other for granted, conflicts increase, they grow distant, they fall out of love. A common example that we all recognize is when the kids grow up and leave home, a couple ends their marriage. Why? All those years, many other things were more important. Especially the kids. Then one day the kids are gone and there are two strangers living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. Suddenly, life looks better somewhere else or with someone else.

We lead a very full life ourselves. We have two kids, two careers, and we run several businesses together. There is always something to do. We have established a practice of spending a few minutes each morning connecting with one another and then we make sure we have a longer period of time at least once a week. We often set aside a longer morning when everyone else is out of the house and we can just be together. It helps us both know that the relationship is important, even more important than all the things we have to do. We know the “doing” will all get done. Our relationship is the priority.

Daily connecting time, the practice of presence, is different than dates, which we also try to do regularly. We go to a movie, a play, out with friends. Date time is entertaining, it is fun, but it is not us being together to listen and share and be present for each other. That is what is most important.

Two Practices For You To Try:

1. Hugging till relaxed: Embrace your partner standing up. Really hug, body to body. Now take a deep breath together. Now another one. Allow yourself to be completely there, aware of your partners body, aware of the connection between you. Take another deep breath, and then another. Deepen and relax into the hug, into the connection. Continue until you feel completely relaxed.

2. Being present for each other. Sit across from your partner either cross legged on the floor or bed, couch or chairs. Look into each others eyes for a moment. Just take each other in. Take a few deep breaths together and then take hands. Sit that way for awhile and talk together about one of these things. a. What you are intending for your day, b. What you are thankful for, or c. Your deeper feelings are about something that is happening in your life. Each persons shares uninterrupted and when you are done, again look into each others eyes and take a few breaths. End with a nice long hug and “I love you”. Simple yet powerful!

Step Two: Show appreciation every day.
Step Three: Stop the blame game.
We hope you have enjoyed this article and invite you to visit our website if you would like more information about how you can further work toward harmony at home.
or call 541-687-2835.
Wishing you joyful and harmonious relationship.
Louis and Ruthanne Carosio, Radiant Life Center

This article is copyrighted. We give others permission to use it and the concepts within, as long as they acknowledge us. In reprinting, please include our names and contact information.
Thank you.