Hello Judith,

I am going through a terrible situation with my husband and I need help.

First of all, I love him a lot. He has been my only true love. We have been together for the last three years. We have gone through bad situations together, but we have always understood and helped each other. Thanks to him, I have an excellent job. I am a very honest person and I rather die than to cheat on him. I am a purchasing agent and sometimes at my job I see myself in situations where I am invited to several business lunch. I say NO to 99% of them. My boss is an excellent person. He trusts me and allows me to make most of the decisions.

I really love my job; I like what I do. I do not want to put my relationship down. I am desperately seeking advice. Today I am considering the idea of resigning my job.

Because must of our sales representatives are old men, he would always accompany me to lunch, so that I can do the business with the vendors. My husband doesn’t like me to go out to lunch with anybody. Even though he trusts me, he doesn’t like it. I understand because I don’t think I would like him to do it.

The first time I actually went to lunch with a vendor, he didn’t like it at all. We had a big discussion about it. I was in bad mood that day and I answered him in the wrong way, he punched me really hard and I am not used to it. I felt like divorcing him right there because I do not think it was right from him to do that to me.

I have been extremely nice to him. (I do not do happy hours with friends. I do not go shopping with friends. We are used to do everything together. He doesn’t go his way and I do not go my way). After all, we agreed that I was not going to do it anymore.

Today I was involved in a situation where my boss begged me to go with him and a vendor out to lunch. It was about a deal that I have been working on since June and finally I believe it is going to come true. I did not call him to let him know because I knew he wasn’t going to like it, and we were going to end up arguing over the phone in working hours. I felt sure that he was going to find out.

I believe I did wrong and I shouldn’t have gone. I feel very bad. I wish there was a way where I could do the right thing with my relationship and do the right thing with my job.

Should I quit my job? Should I tell my boss that I can’t go out to lunch anymore? I am desperately seeking help. All I want is to save my relationship.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Dear “Please…”There are issues in your letter that really concern me. A relationship in which one person is dominated by the other to the extent that the normal business functions of one’s job are controlled by jealousy and possessiveness of a spouse is not a healthy relationship.

It sounds like your boss trusts you more than you husband does. And they both know that you are an honorable woman who does not cheat either one of them.

Your husband’s hitting you is abuse. No matter what. And the idea that you do not do anything on your own-including shopping with friends — seems excessively repressive to me.

Going to lunch with vendors is an integral part of most purchasing agent’s jobs. And since your boss accompanies you, it would seem that there is no justifiable concern here. Your boss shouldn’t have to “beg” you to do what your job requires. And no employee should be calling their spouse to see if it’s “OK” to do their job.

If you had a pattern of fooling around with the salesmen, or having affairs or showed other indications of untrustable-ness, I’d say there was cause for concern. But since you indicate there has been none of this and no reason for your husband’s controlling behaviour, then his behavior fits the abuser profile of control, isolation, manipulation, abuse, promises, etc.

The way to do the right thing with your job AND relationship is to get some real help (from a psychotherapist/relationship counselor) NOW! In an advice column, I cannot give you more than that direction and some sort of clarity:

* The behavior you describe is controlling and abusive.
* You did not do wrong by going on a business lunch to conduct business.
* Quitting a job you love with a boss who is excellent, who trusts you, seems to me a most unwise move.
* You do not indicate any reasons why you should quit this job other than your husband’s jealousy.
* You do not even indicate that any of these men have made so much as a pass at you, so therefore, it would seem there is not even the hint of — nor invitation to — impropriety!!

To save your relationship — to make it healthy enough that you both can thrive, and not live in jealous fear — PLEASE get the appropriate help. Go alone if your husband won’t go with you. Very often, a reluctant spouse will join the counseling process after it gets started, out of curiosity or in “self-defense”. But do it NOW, do not procrastinate out of fear or denial. And write me back in a month to update me on how things are progressing…

Blessings…
judith

Sincerely,

To submit a question to the Advice Columnist, send us an email to AdviceColumn@ConsciousLoving.com. We suggest you read Hints for Getting Your Advice Question Published.

Disclaimer: The advice on this blog is intended for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing on this site should be construed as medical or psychiatric advice, nor is it a substitute for the care of licensed health professionals. In the event you use any of this advice for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

All original content on this site is copyrighted. Please contact us if you’d like permission to reprint anything. We are happy to share as long as prior request is made and full credit to the Author and ConsciousLoving.com is made.