Dear Judith,I am a 37-year woman. I thought I was pretty intelligent when it came to reading people. But now I have lost a lot of confidence in myself. Please help me decipher.

About 3 years ago I met a man (I worked with him). At first I thought what a high-strung man. Very intense. I spoke to him a few times but very briefly. Over the course of time, he started softening, he would leave little candy kisses on my desk, and other small items of gesture.

I still kept my guard up, because of past experience I never truly ever let anyone in.

My Friends kept telling me how much this fellow liked me, and I should take a chance. I finally gave in and went for a drive with this man into the country. It was pleasant conversation. He pulled over to the side and confessed how much he liked me. I was a little intimidated at first, but proceeded in the relationship with caution. I wanted to be friends first.

I continued to date this man, the first 6 months where great, and then of course the honeymoon is over. Small things at first, raising his voice at work, forgetting, or being uncomfortable in a situation to express what ever he felt. He knew all my friends and treated them well, which is an important thing to me…

Then I would begin to feel almost threatened by his actions. On my B-Day we spent the day and had lunch. I had to go to work. Later that same day, I found out he stopped at a local establishment and gave my friend a rose, I was a little envious and felt a little hurt. But I did not want to make a big deal out of nothing.

A few months ago I was at home. My friend & him went out for the night. Again I was very up-set by this. Although they both apologized and swore they were friends just out drinking. He would tell her things he was going to do for me, but never did.

Well this past week was really hurtful, my boy-friend on Valentines Day, did give me & my daughter a box a chocolate, but he also got boxes for my 2-friends… Since mine was larger, I did not get over-excited. Again he said he was going to get me something else. We did not make plans for Valentines night, because we both agreed it would be too busy and we would do something on Saturday.

So Saturday we came and we went out, and at first things were going fine, we were having a good time, until we got to the dance… My boyfriend did not want to dance, which was o.k. because I was going to dance with a girl from work…

As my boy friend and I were standing there listening to the music, he kept teasing about setting me up with someone else to dance with, and I said no!! I am really uncomfortable about any person touching me unless I know them really well.

So any way he barely knew this gentleman, and pretty much shoved me onto the dance floor with this other guy… This other guy fondled my breast-butt- and spilled a beer on me. Of course I was upset. So we left… I expressed that I was angry about the situation, but not until my boyfriend asked “you look perturbed?” I asked him “Do you really want to know the reason or are you just appeasing me?”

That set the whole thing off… He took me home, dropped me off, and said we would talk about this later. I agreed.

Well that has been 10 days ago, he has not called or returned any of my-calls. I stopped by his place trying to get him to answer the door… To talk and he would not open the door… He was home too…

I left several messages saying let’s talk, call me. I finally called and left a message that if this was over I at least deserved to hear it… No reply.

He has a few things of mine that I would like to get, and give his back as well…

Am I crazy or did this man really take me for a ride… 3 years and someone can walk away without so much as a get lost?

Help, What do I do???
TK

Dear TK,

What do you do? You say, “Thank goodness this sham of a relationship ended with only three years of my life taken up!” You let go of your “stuff” because that can be replaced… send his back with a note requesting yours be returned, but don’t hold your breath.

And then, be honest with yourself and explore what really didn’t work here. How soon did you start ignoring your own Inner Wisdom about what was going on here? This is not an invitation to become distrustful and suspicious of others, nor to distrust yourself. Rather, it is time for you to become super-honest with yourself about how you abandon your best instincts when someone else’s behaviours are inappropriate and/or disrespectful.

You might ask yourself why, really, did you tolerate what sounds like disrespectful behaviour: raising his voice (in anger? Irritation? Criticism? At you? Or at others?); paying more attention to your girlfriends than you; saying he’s going to do things for you and not following through; going out drinking for a night with your friend, (questionable behaviour, not necessarily inappropriate by itself). Pushing you to dance with someone you do not want to be with, to be touched by someone you do not choose, and not being protective of you. I would interpret that as abusive behaviour. His further refusing to communicate with you and not resolve the issue is a clear message he is not willing to enter into a true relationship with you. And as I said in the beginning, be thankful you have the clarity now to see this “relationship” for what it is/was and learn from it.

I find there are many indicators we ignore that tell us a relationship is not healthy/working/good for us. The reason we ignore our Inner Wisdom is that we choose the illusion of the relationship (having a partner in our lives; thinking that a partner gives us security, social status, companionship, that it is better than being alone and “lonely”, etc) rather than face the truth: the relationship is a sham and we do not have a true partner in this person.

There are several good books and courses on creating healthy, Conscious Loving Relationships. This website lists some of the best here. Often private therapists offer seminars, classes, or workshops as do community colleges and other educational sources. It would be very wise for you to educate yourself in the very challenging art of creating a good, healthy, Conscious, Loving, and communicative relationship. Most of us need considerable training in relationship skills — creating a truly fulfilling relationship is one of the most challenging, rewarding, difficult things we humans ever attempt to do. Do the best thing for yourself and your daughter and avail yourself of every opportunity to learn how to create a healthy relationship with YOURSELF and with a partner. See my previous columns for further insight on creating a healthy relationship with your Self.

Blessings…
judith

Sincerely,

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