This article is devoted to education. Why educate yourself? Because the more you know about sex, the better your sex life can be. The more you think, “I know it all,” the more you lower your potential for an ecstatic, fulfilling sex life.

If both you AND your partner are educated, you have the best chance of achieving sexual ecstasy on a regular basis. But watch out for the tendency to try to FORCE your partner to participate in your education. For that matter, you generally cannot control your partner sexually, at least not for long. You have much more influence in your own life than you do in your partner’s. So you can ENCOURAGE your partner, but don’t be too forceful. If your partner doesn’t jump at the idea, go ahead and educate yourself. He or she will become the benefactor of your education, and may become more interested in educating himself or herself as time goes by.

Sexual AnatomyLearning more about sexual anatomy in general will help you to understand the human body. Knowing both your body and your partner’s body in greater detail is critical to being a good lover.

Male External Genitalia

The penis (called the “lingam” in Sanskrit, or the “wand of light”) is typically soft and flaccid, until arousal occurs, when it fills with blood to become enlarged, stiffened, and rigid. The lingam is generously filled with nerve endings that make it incredibly sensitive to touch.

Below the lingam is the scrotum, a hairy sac of skin that encloses the two testicles, or testes. Each testicle is egg-shaped, and is the gland that produces the male germinating cells (sperm). Proper generation of sperm requires a temperature of about 95 degrees F, which is slightly lower than normal body temperature, so the scrotum can expand (for cooling) and contract (for heating). The scrotum is covered with a thin population of hair, and is also very sensitive to touch. The testicles themselves are not normally very sensitive, but are EXTREMELY susceptible to pain if squeezed or crushed.

Female External Genitalia

Collectively referred to as the vulva (called the “yoni” in Sanskrit, or “sacred space”) the female external genitals are located at the perineum (between the legs). The labia majora, or outer lips, have hair on them, and consist of fat-filled folds of skin. The labia minora, or inner lips, are thin folds of skin. Between the labia minora are the urethral orifice (where urine exits the body) and the vaginal orifice (the entry to the vagina). The urethral orifice is small, whereas the vaginal orifice is larger. The clitoris is a small, extremely sensitive button between the outer lips and forward of the inner lips. It has a thin sheath of skin that can cover it, so it may not be visible at all times.

All of these structures are very sensitive to touch, especially the clitoris.

Similarities between Male and Female

In early stages of pregnancy, as humans develop in the womb, both males and females start out both looking like a female. Then testosterone levels rise in the male, causing the physical changes into maleness. The ovaries in a female become the testicles in a male. The outer vaginal lips in a female seal together to form the scrotal sac in a male. The clitoris on a female becomes the tip of a male’s penis. Is it any wonder, then, that attention to the woman’s clitoris is important for her excitement during sex?

During intercourse, the lingam receives ideal stimulation from the self-lubricating, size-accommodating vagina. However, the location of the clitoris means that it is not normally being directly stimulated. If both partners are conscious of this fact, then solutions can be found. Either partner can stimulate the clitoris before or during intercourse.

How Arousal Level Affects Sensation

Our level of arousal affects the kind of sensation we experience. I often notice that when I get into my car and start the engine, the radio or CD comes on at an extremely loud level. This is because I forgot to turn it down when I parked the car. I didn’t notice it being so loud when I drove into the garage. When I was listening to the music before, I had gradually gotten used to the volume level, and I really enjoyed it.

The same kind of thing happens with sexual stimulation. As you feel more and more sensation, your nervous system adjusts gradually to being able to allow and enjoy higher and higher levels of feeling.

This is critical to understand, especially with regard to women. If you go directly to the most sensitive areas on a woman’s body before she is ready, it’ll be like blasting her with full-volume music. Take a while, and turn it up gradually!

Erogenous Areas

The high levels of testosterone in men make it easy for them to be aroused. Gentle stroking of the scrotum is pleasurable to many men. Men who are older, or desiring to delay their ejaculation, will commonly enjoy stroking and touching all over their bodies. But most men (especially young men) don’t care what their partner does, as long as their lingam is stimulated.

Women are a completely different story. They love to be romanced. Treating her with affection and respect, listening to what she has to say, talking gently and affectionately to her, accepting her and appreciating her, bringing her flowers and gifts, and doing other little things for her will help to make her feel loved, and more ready for arousal.

Women tend to NOT want direct genital stimulation until they are aroused. The good news is that women have many wonderful erogenous areas on their bodies. Each woman is different, and finding your partner’s favorites can be a joy of exploration. Some typical places to try are the face, head and scalp, ears, neck, shoulders, arms, back, legs, and feet. Try a variety of touch, from tender and gentle to firm, but always pay attention and modify your touch based upon her level of enjoyment.

Some women really love attention to their breasts, and others not so much. In either case, they usually don’t like their breasts to be the first and only target of your affection. Again, being aware and sensitive, and communicating openly will help guide you here.

Once a woman is beginning to be aroused, which can typically take 15 minutes or more, then attention to the yoni and the breasts will be much more pleasurable for her.

Another area of great sensitivity in most women is called the “G” spot, which is located inside the vagina, on the roof of the vaginal wall, about 1-1/2 inches inside the opening. If a woman is lying on her back, then this is on the part of her vagina that is towards the ceiling. Attention to this area with a gentle come-hither motion of the middle finger can be highly arousing, but it requires great sensitivity to her reaction. A conscious lover will be willing to alter or stop the stimulation (at least temporarily) if requested to.

Anatomy Exploration

One great way to learn more about anatomy is to explore your bodies, both individually and together. This can be done alone, either as a curious exploration (a mirror can help to see better), or for arousal. Masturbation can be especially helpful in identifying the types of touch and techniques that are most pleasurable for you. Later, you can communicate these to your partner.

Another really educational and fun thing to do is to map your partner’s body. You can use eyes, nose, ears, and fingers to explore your partner’s body completely… looking, smelling, listening, and feeling your way around the landscape. This is a great time for communication, for example, asking, “What does this feel like?” or “Is this area sensitive?” or “Does this feel pleasurable?” or “Do you like gentle or firm pressure here?” Take turns, take your time, have fun.

Caution: Make sure that your fingernails are trimmed and hands are meticulously clean to avoid irritation and infection, especially when you explore sensitive areas.

Lovemaking Techniques

While there are many complex lovemaking techniques that have been developed over thousands of years, you can start with these two simple ideas:

Perhaps the most powerful technique, if your partner is a woman, is to make her arousal and satisfaction as important as your own. You need to take the time to gradually increase the intimacy and stimulation, be aware of what she most wants, and keep your focus on her pleasure. Once she is at the peak of arousal, or even after she has an orgasm, she will very likely welcome yours. Loving communication is very important in this process, because what she wants can vary from day to day or even from minute to minute.

Another crucial goal in advanced lovemaking is to keep the man from becoming too aroused, so that the woman (who takes longer) can join him in ecstatic sex. One way to do this is to refrain from intercourse until the woman is on the brink of orgasm. If intercourse has already begun, then the woman can help by pausing when the man indicates he is close to ejaculation, to help slow him down.

More techniques will be discussed in a future article.

Developing Sensuality

Sensuality (awareness and appreciation of input from all the senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste, intuition and movement) is very valuable in lovemaking, and it can be developed. I differentiate it from sex in that you don’t need to have sex to be sensuous; and you can (unfortunately) have sex that is not sensuous.

Appreciating and enjoying sensuality can bring a new vital dimension to lovemaking. It can also be a great way to love and nurture your partner without having sex.

One way of developing sensuality is by concentrating on one sense each week, and consciously choosing activities which highlight that sense. For example, if one week you choose hearing, then consider what kind of music you might want to hear, and listen to it carefully. Or make an effort to listen to your partner more than normal… for example, the sound of his or her breathing, or the beat of his or her heart. Choose a new sense each week, be creative, and when you finish all the senses, start again with the first one. By following this practice, you can grow to be more aware and appreciative of all the senses.

Physical/Emotional/Mental Influences on Sexuality

It helps to know what factors can have an affect on sexuality. Being aware of things which may be affecting you or your partner can help you to be more understanding, more patient, and a better lover.

Hormones are a very powerful physical influence. Changes in hormone levels can deeply affect one’s moods, or desire for sex and intimacy. People’s hormone levels can vary from day to day, and from minute to minute. Women are typically even more affected by hormones, due to their menstrual cycle. Men and women are both susceptible to overly high or low levels of important hormones such as testosterone (responsible for sexual desire, or libido).

Pregnancy is one example of a time when hormones “take over” a woman’s body. From experiencing two pregnancies (as a close observer), I can confidently say, “NEVER underestimate the power of a hormone!”

Another very important thing to be conscious of is the affect of any possible past trauma, such as abuse, rape, molestation, or incest. If you are aware of any such experience in your life, it will be important to gently explore the memories, fears and pain with yourself, and share them with your partner. It is also possible to have abuse in one’s past that one cannot remember. Extremely traumatic experiences can be buried in one’s mind or body where they are not easily accessible. Often love or intimacy will trigger these memories, but they may not be clearly understandable. If this is the case for you or your partner, the two of you can work together over time to heal the damage that was caused by the experiences. I recommend lots of patient understanding and professional help. See your therapist or doctor and tell them what you can remember. Ask for their help in exploring and healing the wounds.

Other things that can affect sexuality are current financial or work stresses, children and family issues, past relationships, and religious beliefs. The main thing is to communicate, communicate, communicate, and be supportive and understanding of your partner. It may take a counselor to help you, but if you work together, you can improve the areas of your life that are inhibiting your sexual enjoyment.

Conclusion

We’ve reached the end of this brief article… But don’t stop here! Most good sexual books will have a chapter on anatomy, with photos and diagrams. I also recommend The Anatomy Coloring Book by Wynn Kapit and Lawrence M. Elson, which I consulted in writing this article.

And there are a large variety of books and videos on sexual techniques available in our bookstore.

Another wonderful way to learn new sensual and lovemaking techniques is to take a Tantra workshop. Tantra is a wonderful practice that integrates sexuality with spirituality.