Dear Judith,

About a year ago, I discovered tantra when I read Charles and Carolyn Muir’s book, “Tantra and the Art of Conscious Loving.” I immediately took to the idea, and started going to workshops, reading more, and learning all I could about sacred sexuality. My problem is my wife. She is not even slightly interested in hearing about spirituality through sexuality. I feel that my eyes have been opened, and I am awakening to an important new spiritual path. My wife wants me to give this all up, but I feel it is too important. What do you think?

Awakened Husband

Dear Awakened,

In the words of a favorite song of mine,”You can’t go back to Kansas once you’ve been to Oz!”

Sensuality/sexuality is a much-forgotten spiritual path, and almost unknown as such in the Western, Puritanical mind-set. In fact, a fair number of people–in their innermost beliefs, at least–would regard the two as mutually exclusive, even heretical: “Sex and spirituality ? You must be kidding!” But there is fine tradition in the East (where Tantra comes from) that says sexuality is indeed a sacred path to Divine Union. And there is certainly no more challenging spiritual path than that of relationship, another element of Tantra. So, I honor your discovery of sacred sexuality and encourage your exploration.

Now, about your wife. You don’t state how long you’ve been married, nor what the quality of your relationship is in the other areas of your shared lives. This is very important. How you communicate about MONEY, CHILD-REARING, and CHORES, (IN-LAWS, too) has a great impact on how you’ll fare communicating about SEX!!! If there are challenges in one area of communication, there are bound to be challenges here, too. You would also be wise to be sensitive to any issues of abuse, particularly sexual, that may have occurred in your wife’s life–childhood or adulthood. Many women have had experiences of violation and inappropriate sexual behavior–often forgotten, repressed, or denied–which deeply affect their trust and willingness to risk in intimate relationships. Also, keep in mind that change in any area of a partnership often brings up resistance, fears, and resentments. When one partner wants a change in an established order, there are going to be repercussions. No matter how graceful you might be about initiating this change, the frequent reaction of your partner is to take the suggestions as a personal affront or complaint. It’s translated as “I’m not good enough as I am. You want me to be different”. Please put yourself in your wife’s shoes: If she initiates a change, or asks you to be different in some essential way — no matter how legitimate — do you jump up excitedly and say, “OH YES DEAR, I’D LOVE TO!!” ???

Sexual relating is an essential, core-issue way of relating, and, sex being the ultra-sensitive issue it is with most persons in our culture, initiating change in this arena can be very threatening in and to a relationship. That said, it certainly doesn’t mean you have to settle for the status quo and give up your desires for a deeper, more sensual, spiritually intimate love relationship with your spouse. It means exploring all the avenues of communication to truly connect with your wife on all levels of intimacy: Emotional, mental, spiritual, and then physical. What unresolved issues may exist between you?? What would your wife need from you to be more open to exploring this most vulnerable intimate relating?

It is your role now to initiate a deeper communication with your wife–not one with the focus of sex, but with the intentions of truly communing with one another in a way that opens your hearts to intimacy on all levels. As that occurs, you may find yourself surprised by a new loving sensuality blossoming with your wife in a most rewarding way. David Elkins, Ph.D’s profound book, “Beyond Religion” has chapters on “The Body,” and “Relationship” as two paths to the Sacred. This is a beautiful, well-written book. (I loved it so much I gave copies to all my friends for Christmas and birthdays!) Read it together, if you can. It may help defuse some of the pressure and fears that focusing just on SEX might bring up. Certainly, get some professional help if these suggestions bring up issues to be addressed. Don’t give up your dreams or desires for a more intimate union!! It is a blessing to desire something more enriching and passionate for your lives together.
Sincerely,

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