Dear Judith,
My husband’s complaints about himself and our relationship have been the same for years. His willingness to go deeper into his feeling and do the work necessary is lacking. He says he is willing, but “forgets” to follow through. I am willing, I have gone deeper. How do I communicate with him when he misconstrues my sharing of my discoveries as “teaching”? Advice about communication in relationships is wonderful, and sometimes helpful. But what about the spouse who is expert in being present for the time it takes to participate in these exercises but does not carry the work through to our everyday life? How can I help our relationship and not hinder it?
Wants a Willing Partner

Dear Wants a Willing Partner,

It is hard not to be superior when you’re doing the work and he’s not, and you’re sharing discoveries with him and he’s not sharing discoveries with you ’cause he’s just not doing the work. I hope you’re clear that you’re sharing your discoveries about YOU and not by implication — tempting as it may be — about him or the relationship. Of course he gets defensive if he’s not following through on his end of the bargain.

This is where you really need a skilled facilitator to mediate the commitments involved in following through. That is, someone neutral, not taking sides, needs to confront each partner to hold up their end of the contract to change whatever is not working in the relationship. You say these complaints have been going on for years. For YEARS? What are you waiting for? And why are you listening to them? Complaints are hollow without action to remedy them. If fact, they become suspiciously like convenient blocks to intimacy by someone who really doesn’t want change or intimacy. Someone who’s expert at playing the game of participation but refuses to integrate those learnings into daily life is telling you in terms far louder than words where his intention really is. (”Forgetting” is a choice when repetitious, and is tantamount to saying “I Won’t!”.) In other words, his actions speak much louder than his words.

What is your “bottom line” here? How long are you willing to participate in a game where there’s only one player and an armchair Monday-morning quarterback complaining about the game?? You can help this relationship by getting crystal clear on what is true for you, what you need and want in a relationship, what you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re not. Then, share this clearly, honestly, in “I” messages, without blame or judgement, from your heart. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Tolerate no complaints without a commitment from the complainer to do whatever it takes to resolve the issue.
Sincerely,

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