Dear Judith,

Well, I don’t know if you can help but… I really need pointed into the right direction. A month ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, which really caught me by surprise. His reason for doing so was because we fought to much and he couldn’t take the frustration anymore. Which I understand. Our relationship was a long distance one (and we’re both in college), which is difficult to handle in the first place… but I thought we were doing really good.

It’s been a month now and I know the reasons for not being with me have changed — I’ve asked him to take me back probably several times all which he fell speechless and never responded with an answer, but always assured me to keep my hopes up, be strong, “because everything is going to be alright” and that it’s just something that he has to figure out right now. And I told him I’d always be here waiting for him.

Recently, a phone call occurred where he had told me that if by any chance a girl should ask him out on a date or what not that he’d probably go, which totally broke my heart… but the rest of the conversation were his words of loving me. He probably said it a dozen times… which leaves me here with nothing but confusion — and this is where I need the direction. Should I continue to wait for him or am I just building myself up for even more hurt? I love this man…

Confused

Dear Confused,

Rule #1 in Relationship: Believe what someone DOES, NOT what they SAY. Rule #2: Believe how you FEEL.

Do you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, good about the relationship, and good about how you treat one another the majority of the time? (We all have difficult days, and crabby exchanges, but does the conflict ever escalate to abuse — emotional, verbal, or physical? Or is it consistently conflicted, not much soft and tender time?)

Long distance relationships are especially trying. The conflict between the longing to have the emotional security of our familiar love vs the need for adventure, learning, and growth take a great toll. What you both need to know is that who you are NOW, and who you WILL BE two, three, or four years from now can be light-years apart. Who is right for you now, and who will be right for you in four — or ten — years is likely to be shockingly different. And of course, he’s confused — and probably you are, deep down inside, too.

Because you are bound to be changing and growing — you’re in an intense learning environment (for Pete’s sake), and growth is a given! For both of you - -but not necessarily in the same direction. You both are wise to date, to share, to explore–without rigid restrictions and expectations of one another. If you are truly “soul mates” or meant to be together, you will weather through dating others and find that who you really want is one another. Then you’ll feel secure in that relationship, knowing that you gave each other the freedom to explore and discover more facets of yourselves than if you’d just been tied to one another. And if either of you decide you are much better with someone else, while that may be painful in the present, believe me, it is far preferable to find that out before you make a long-term commitment (like marriage — and kids) than afterwards!
Sincerely,

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