Dear Judith,

My boyfriend and I were in a relationship for a year. We decided to break up because I was leaving in 2 months to go to college upstate. After about 3 weeks we decided that we wanted to be back together. However, I found out by him that while we were separated, he went out with some buddies and drank too much, and ended up with another girl he barely knew. He said that he didn’t know exactly what was going on at the time, but he said a couple minutes after penetration he said to her that he couldn’t do this and got up. He told her the next day that he was still in love with me and that it was a big mistake and glad it didn’t go any further than it did. He said it would never have happened if he wasn’t drunk.

Now I don’t know what to do. I really do love him and he says that it was the biggest mistake he’s made and that he regrets it so much. Should I give him a second chance? We weren’t together when this happened, but it still hurts. He asked me what he can do to prove to me his love and that it would never happen again. What should I do? I want to be with him, but I don’t know what to do.

Should I Forgive?

Dear Should I Forgive,

It sounds as though your boyfriend truly regrets his indiscretion and is willing to make amends. Good sign!

First, a question: If he’s blaming this on the old devil booze , what’s he willing to do about his drinking? (Doing things under the influence that you wouldn’t do sober is a serious issue!) Using alcohol, drugs, or anything else as a justification or excuse is irresponsible — in the sense of not taking total responsibility for one’s behavior. It certainly leads to the logical question: “What will you do next time you have too much______(fill in the blank)?” Can he drink without ever over-imbibing? Is getting drunk with his buddies a favorite hobby? If he chooses alcohol over a responsible relationship, you have an important answer to your question.

Long distance relationships are VERY challenging, especially when you are in college. Do the two of you really want to be exclusive during this long a period of time? Who you are and who’s right for you when you enter college and who you are and who’s right for you by the time you graduate can be two very different things. Naturally. Significantly. You are in college to grow in knowledge and self discovery during a period of rapid growth and change. Some of the greatest changes in your life rightfully occur during this process of education and development.

Making commitments during this time can be a path fraught with heartache and heartbreak. Through no one’s fault, either. Just the process of change, growth, new people, new experiences, etc. Holding on to what’s familiar can seem awfully comforting at a time like this, and I can sympathize with your longing to do so. However, being fair to each other’s needs, growth, and change is an important step towards honest relating, an essential if you’re going to have trust grow in this relationship. I usually recommend to couples at this juncture in their lives that they keep the communications lines open and flowing, without demands for commitment, without promises that may not be appropriate. If they allow one another space for new friendships and relationships and trust that, if they are truly meant to be together, they will soon enough discover that to be true. See each other over holidays and breaks, if that feels right, but allow freedom and exploration to be a part of both of your educations. You will both feel much more secure in your love if you have not held each other to unreasonable promises and rediscover that your love is the right relationship for you both. And if you discover that you’ve changed and grown in divergent directions, you will not have broken hearts and promises and created unnecessary pain. Take care of yourselves, and write again to us, and let us know what is happening on your paths to self -discovery.
Sincerely,

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