Dear Judith,

I don’t know where to begin with my story. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now. I love him deeply but I get a different feeling from him. He said he loved me when we were just going out for 6 months and I truly believe that he did love me. It’s just now we have limited conversations and he’ll go through these moods where he’s in love with me and where he wants to be distant. I’m tired of this constant emotional roller coaster and I let him know that by telling him that we should go on break. When I did that he said that was not what he wanted and that he wanted us to still be together.

But the thing is he is very honest. Sometimes his honesty hurts me cause he’ll tell me things, like how he wanted to be with this girl instead of me at the time we first started talking. Also, he tells me how some young teenage girl came over and slept in the same bed with him. I’ve tried hard not to get jealous or furious with him cause I’m not that kind of person. I don’t like arguments and I don’t like to argue over nonsense.

I’ve put so much into the relationship and I feel like it’s falling apart piece by piece. My boyfriend is a great person and he is the type of person you’ll always want to remember and to keep in your life. My question is “Why does he go through these moods, and how can I make our relationship stronger?” Thank you for listening and please email me back with your response. It will help me greatly.

On a Roller Coaster

Dear On a Roller Coaster,

I know it’s hard to accept that what seems like love early on can change and shift but the truth is that real LOVE takes time. You don’t share your age or that of your boyfriend — that would help. But I am VERY uncomfortable with “some young teenage girl” sleeping in his bed. That is NOT OK! Whether or not he was intimate with her, he put himself and her at jeopardy — for statutory rape! That is not a good thing! And it is not “nonsense!”

You say you don’t like arguments, but it would be helpful for you to learn healthy ways of managing conflict. Every healthy relationship has times of conflict. Good communications skills involve healthy, clean, non-blaming styles of arguing (”fighting fair”). Look for a workshop, seminar, or class on relationship communication. It is the best way to make this — or any future relationship — stronger. The more open and expressive a communicator you are, and the more you model good communication, the stronger and healthier your relationships are likely to be.

As far as why your boyfriend goes through his moods — it is hard to tell without knowing some important information about him — health, work, family relations, environment, etc. — but moods of closeness and distancing can be related to fears of intimacy, growing pains, hormone changes (yes, guys too!), not yet knowing who he is or what he wants in life, poor communications skills, self-doubts, parents or boss woes, and a host of other life issues that proliferate in youth. Again, working on yourself is the best approach here — not for him, but for YOU!
Sincerely,

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