I am not really sure where to start. I am 20, I will be 21 in August. I know that I do plan too much but I can’t seem to help it. I want to be in a relationship with the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with for at least 4 years until we decide to get married and have kids. Ultimately I want to be a housewife and mother but I may work during school hours after our children start going to school. Maybe in or around their school. I do want to start having kids somewhere between 27 and 30. My thinking is that if I want to spend at least 4 years with the person I marry before we start having kids then that means that I have to find that person in the next 2 years. In my mind that isn’t much time. I have never really been too good at relationships, possibly because I expect the person I am with to change or grow into a person that I would want to marry and have children with.
One big problem I am having right now is my current relationship. My boyfriend, Will, and I have been dating now since last November. Everything has seemed to go pretty smoothly and quickly. The more I get to know him though the more I see that he isn’t the kind of father that I want for my children. He doesn’t seem responsible and we don’t share a lot of the same morals and values. I don’t hold that against him, or at least I don’t think I do. But at the same time I feel like, if he’s not the type of man I want to be the father of my children then should we still be together? This weekend we went on a romantic get away, mainly to just spend some time together. Well, I had hoped that it would be romantic. He doesn’t seem to enjoy his environment as much as I do though. For example, we were sitting in the park watching this cool fountain and all of the kids playing in it, at least I thought it was cute. The whole time I felt like he was bored and couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel room. It’s little things like that that kinda build up inside me until I just burst into tears. If we are doing something he doesn’t enjoy I just wish he would express it verbally instead of through his actions. I think he has a hard time expressing his emotions but no matter what I do or say he wont open up that way. Maybe I am expecting too much of him. I talked with him about the way I felt, told him that if we don’t see ourselves together maybe this is just a waste of time. He told me that part of him doesn’t want to break up. And then I asked if that meant that part of him did and he said he didn’t know. The problem is that I don’t feel like our relationship is a waste of time, but now I don’t know if he does. I feel like our conversation was a big mistake and that it’s all my fault. We do have things in common it’s just that there are some morals that I have that some of his actions and something’s that he is planning on doing conflict with. I tell him this too so he knows how I feel. I am afraid that he is slipping away from me. He is my best friend and I don’t want to loose him. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me. Sincerely, Melissa

Dear Melissa, There are many issues of genuine concern here, questions begging to be addressed: Issues that affect not only the future of this relationship, but affect the quality of rest of your life. Let’s look at them in the order you’ve mentioned them: #1. Planning too much: Your plans for your future are quite sensible and intelligent. Marrying someone and spending several years with them before creating a family is very wise. Getting to truly know and develop a relationship with your Beloved first — before kids — is certainly a good premise on which to start your married life. Your time line for children, going back to work, etc., is sensible. And as I read your question, it feels to me that there is lots of logic, not much feeling: that you have THE PLAN and THAT’S IT — you have a pretty tight, already decided PLAN… not much room for discovery, adventure, spontaneity — OR the other person! That is, where does mutual planning come into play? Sounds like you are kind of the one in control here, no? Which brings us to… #2. You state that you “expect the person you’re with to change or grow into the person you want to marry and have children with”. Oh, dear! That is indeed a control issue, and a major relationship pitfall. Allowing for the natural growth and change we all make as life progresses — and whatever effort through therapy and intentional growth experiences we put into it — “What you see is what you get!”, my dear. In other words, if who you meet and start dating doesn’t fit your image of who you want to be with, DO NOT EXPECT TO CHANGE YOUR PARTNER TO FIT YOUR IMAGE OF WHO YOU THINK HE SHOULD BE!!! It just doesn’t work. It leads — not surprisingly — to lots of resentment and resistance. Your message to the person you’re dating is: “Who you are isn’t OK for me — you must change to be good enough for me” and that doesn’t feel good to anybody. And so I must ask you… #3. Why are you involved with a man who doesn’t share your morals or values — two essential “ingredients” for a good match — whom you find not responsible and would not be the type of man you’d want to be the father of your children? You say he doesn’t enjoy things you find pleasant, you want him to share his feelings and he can’t, and part of him doesn’t know if he wants to break up or be with you. He’s planning to do something you find unacceptable and your sharing that with him doesn’t make a difference in his plans. You don’t give me enough information to give you accurate feedback on this but since you bring this factor up twice I would say that it is a rather serious issue to address 4. You comment that he’s your “best friend” — that concerns me. Again, if you find his actions immoral, he’s lacking in values similar to your own, he doesn’t enjoy what’s delightful to you, is ambivalent about the relationship — these do not seem like qualities I’d want in my “best friend”, or even a not-too-close acquaintance, for that matter. #5. I’d agree with your assessment that maybe you’re not too good in relationships, but don’t get attached to that label. There are lots of good therapists, relationship workshops, books, tapes, etc. that can assist you in developing relationship savvy. (This web site is an ideal place to start browsing for great books and workshops!) Very few of us come from environments that modeled great relationship skills; most people would be well advised to invest in classes, seminars, workshops, and other learning experiences to develop communications and relationship skills. #6. Don’t be so afraid your time clock is ticking away that you settle for someone that doesn’t fit your needs and think you can change them into someone who will!! Take this time to develop yourself into the person who will NATURALLY attract the man best suited to your needs, dreams and desires. You will be so glad you invested in YOU! Sincerely, To submit a question to the Advice Columnist, send us an email to AdviceColumn@ConsciousLoving.com. We suggest you read Hints for Getting Your Advice Question Published. Disclaimer: The advice on this blog is intended for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing on this site should be construed as medical or psychiatric advice, nor is it a substitute for the care of licensed health professionals. In the event you use any of this advice for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions. All original content on this site is copyrighted. Please contact us if you’d like permission to reprint anything. We are happy to share as long as prior request is made and full credit to the Author and ConsciousLoving.com is made.