Dear Judith,

For the past few days, i have been completely miserable because i keep thinking back to this one relationship i had that crashed and burned… well, when i was about 13 going to 14 yrs old, i got into an online relationship with this guy.. despite what other people i talked to said about him, i really thought that he was really nice so i decided to try out an online relationship. i hadn’t had a boyfriend before and i probably wont have one in rl any time soon since my parents seem to be totally overprotecting to the point where i can’t even talk to my friends on the phone..

anyway, a few months later, when i was turning 15, things started to get way too serious and he finally convinced me to cyber with him, despite how much i hated and still hate the idea of doing so. i didn’t enjoy doing it, but i liked him too much to tell him no. he told me he loved me, and was always talking about how he really cared for me to some people we both used to talk to, so i believed him. he was sorta my escape from the hours of mom yelling at me for one reason or another. we were “seeing each other,” in a way, for about 6 months maybe until i heard that he never exactly broke up with his other g/f, and he was starting to go for another girl whom we also talked to.

well, after that, he dissapeared and i haven’t heard from him in about 9-10 months. well, he came back to own up for what he did, but i can’t stop thinking about how i could have stopped things from going that far to where i thought i loved him and we were cybering. i’m going on 17 now and i hadn’t heard from the guy in right around 9 months again, but i still can’t get over it. i stopped thinking about the incident for a while now, but just recently its starting to feel like it just happened.

bleh, reading this through, it doesn’t really sound like a big problem. but this guy seems to have made it extremely hard for me to move on. i haven’t had any relationships since and it still hurts. do you have any advice on how i can get over this guy and finally move on with my life instead of brooding over this experience?

Hurt Over Cyber Guy

Dear Hurt Over Cyber Guy,

What ’s big about this problem is how you feel about yourself. I believe that it’s related to your doing something YOU didn’t feel good about yourself doing. In other words, whenever you do something that is against your own best interests, something you feel you shouldn’t do because it isn’t good for you but someone else is pressuring you to do it, YOU suffer. You suffer from self-betrayal, from not being true to yourself. And this is why you’re having trouble moving on. I wonder if, deep down, you really wonder if you can trust yourself to be able to say “NO!” and mean it. If another guy asks you to do something you “really hate doing”, can you say “NO” and NEVER AGAIN DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF???

You CAN learn to do this–it is a learned behavior, no big secret — I did, you can too! You can move on with your life by bolstering your self image — learn to feel truly good about yourself, your talents, your abilities, your inborn value as a person. It sounds like your childhood home life had some painful elements, and that pain can contribute to not feeling good about yourself and a desire to escape the pain. Escape is usually self defeating — in your haste to escape, it’s hard to use good judgement, easy to convince oneself that “I really love him/her” or “S/He really loves me”.

You are old enough to find some professional help for yourself–perhaps a therapist-led support group for teenagers would be helpful. Ask your school counselor to recommend resources for you to assist you in building your self esteem. You can also move on with your life by developing some new interests: volunteer your time to a charity or group that interests you–great way to meet others who share your interests: real, live, and in person! You’ll also appreciate yourself so much more for giving to others, and you’ll be less in your own cocoon of loneliness, self-judgment, and disappointment.

What creative abilities do you have? Everyone has something creative bubbling inside: writing, poetry, drawing, painting, sculpture, dance, photography, etc….what secret dreams do you have? Look for an opportunity to explore your creative side. You’ll have an opportunity to meet others who share those interests, and, again, meet peers who have more in common with you.

Finally, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Be courageous in taking good care of you, trusting your own best instincts not to say “yes” when you really know that “NO” is in your best interests. Take care and let me know how you do with all this.
Sincerely,

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