Dear Judith,

I am a twenty one year old female and even though I am young I am ready to settle down and start a family. I have been with my fiance for about two years and I love him I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

It’s just the fact that at the moment he is in jail (for the past year) for somebodys else’s wrong doing and I don’t know whether to still wait or pick my self up and move on.

Sincerely, Confused

Dear Confused,

I agree that you are confused: You state “I love him and know I want to spent the rest of my life with him” and in the next sentence continue “I don’t know whether to still wait or pick my self up and move on”. Doesn’t that seem a little contradictory to you? Somehow your knowing that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don’t know whether to wait for or not just seems a little weak in the commitment sphere.

Perhaps for good reason, though. It’s been my experience that most guys in jail blame someone else for their predicament. Maybe you need to examine the true nature of your fiance and his activities (how does he manage to take the rap for someone else, if that’s truly the case), your relationship (if you’ve been together for 2 yrs, and for one of those he’s been in jail, what opportunities have you had to explore a normal, natural relationship and intimacy with one another?) and whether you are more attached to “settling down and starting a family” than you are to this particular fellow.

Please take a long, serious look at what choices you are making. Engage a therapist for a few sessions of objective, honest feedback and self-examination, and know that if you have questions whether to wait or move on, the likelihood that you’ve got a deep and sincere commitment going is rather unlikely. And starting a family on that weak a foundation is just plain foolhardy.
Sincerely,

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