Dear Judith,

My girlfriend of 2 yrs and i broke up after less than one week of going away to school. I sacrificed everything while she was in high school. I was out of hs 2 yrs when I met her. She broke up saying that to be sure that I was the one, she wanted to get the full dating experience. I told her that quantity doesn’t matter. She said by dating others that would be the only way to be totally sure.

This is so she wouldn’t be wondering the “What if” question down the road, I guess. She didn’t want to give me the promise ring back because she says there is something there still. I told her to put it away and when she was ready to come back I told her to put it back on .

Am I being foolish thinking that something may happen again.? Should I get the ring back?? We are still good friends though. Should I not call her for a while and see if she calls me? any info would help. Thanks.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Going away to college after high school is a major transition and many things change during this time. MANY THINGS! It is a time for learning, growing, experimenting, and self-discovery — on all levels. It is not a time for holding onto the past. This may hurt, and it may be painful to accept, but your girlfriend needs some time to find out who she is apart from home, family, boyfriends, high school, expectations, etc. She couldn’t have known this before she went away to school, and neither could you. It hits you by surprise and leaves you reeling: Things change, and all of a sudden you know you have to, too. You don’t know how, or why, or who you are or are becoming or going to be. You just know something’s happening and you can’t go on the way you were yesterday, last week, last month, last year. As far as the ring?

Give things time. (You didn’t say whether this was a diamond engagement ring or ? If it was a present and not a major investment in jewels, you need to weigh in the price to your friendship if you hassel her to get it back!) Stay friends, don’t push, manipulate, or whine: friends accept each other and want the best for each other. You both need good friends right now, to be a bridge from the past to the future. Will you have a future together? It’s far too soon for either of you to make any sort of prediction or promise. Be friends, be kind, give each other space to grow and discover what you really want. Date others. Both of you. If this relationship is really right for both of you, it will weather this time of change and self-discovery.
Sincerely,

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