Dear Judith,

My situation is that I am a 31 year old twice divorced teacher. First union lasted 3 years (after one year dating), second union lasted 5 years after one year dating. I never believed either of them was ‘The One’. I think I was afraid to be alone. Well, I’m all grown up now and I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year. We were friends for 6 months before that. This is not a rebound relationship. We were pals who blossomed into the most enriching relationship and friendship I have ever had.

The problem? Well, he is a recovering drug addict (clean for 2 years now!). I say ‘recovering’ because from what I understand, there is a lot of mental and spiritual work that goes into true healing. Before he was an addict, he was a successful salesman. After he became addicted, he ‘dropped out’ of the professional workforce and did freelance construction jobs. Well, he tells me he wants a life together and for the past 5 months he has been looking for more professional work within the construction business. He recently went to a training to obtain a certification to help him get a particular job.

What I am concerned about is that while he says he wants us to have a life together, he is being very picky about what jobs he interviews for and I am concerned that the ‘entitlement’ and lazy aspects of addiction are still with him. I believe him when he says he wants a life with me and he understands that as a teacher, I cannot foot the bills for our future life together on my own. However, I am afraid that he has passed up good opportunities for the chance that the ‘perfect’ job just hasn’t landed in his lap. And with this economy, it won’t! I guess my question is, how can I tell if he is being realistic about what it will take for us to plan a life and can someone who has ‘dropped out’ of the professional scene for 7 years manage to jump back in again? BTW — he is 36 and has never been married. I just don’t know if he is being realistic. And how long should I wait on him to ‘get it together?’

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

As my dear old Mom used to say: “Actions speak louder than words”.

Be clear that it is HIS “job” to get it together, that he must take complete responsibility for his own life, including getting all the therapy, coaching, sponsoring, support meetings needed to assist himself in doing whatever it takes to make his life and relationships work.

Your part of it is to educate yourself in addictions and what is called “co-dependency” and “enabling”. A few meetings of Al-Anon might be helpful to understand the issues in partnering that couples with an addiction face. I’d also strongly recommend some relationship counseling with a therapist skilled in addictions and communications. Yes, it does take a lot of spiritual and emotional work to heal the addictive pattern — BOTH parties need to be deeply engaged in that process for the relationship to work!
Sincerely,

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