Dear Judith,

After meeting the woman of my dreams, and becoming engaged after months of dating, I learned that she still entertains her ex-husband at home and visits with him frequently on the phone. He asks her out for dates, and as far as I know, she hasn’t been out with him. She readily admits to seeing him, but denies any sexual or romantic activity. She also is writing to a man on she met on the internet, “just as a friend.”

She is 50 and I’m 48, both educated, with grown children. She’s just recently been divorced. How much slack should I cut her?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

I don’t know about “cutting slack”. Sounds condescending to me. First of all, it is really quite possible to be good friends with one’s ex, especially if there’ve been children involved, and there are no “romantic” interests in one another. Not all people who end marriages become mortal enemies. And if she’s self-disclosing enough to share with you that she has a male correspondent, it doesn’t sound as though she’s doing something behind your back here, with either one of her male friends.

I’d say the most important issues are:

• What is the quality of the relationship you two share?
• Do you really share mutually quality time, attention, romance, activies, and interests?
• Are there important things missing?

If your relationship is strong and mutually beneficial, then her friendships — even with ex’s — should not be an issue.Sincerely,

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