Dear Judith,

 

Here’s the situation: I am confused and in love with two people. My high school sweetheart proposed me to this past February. My family loves him and was just waiting for that moment for seven years. We were not together solidly during the seven years and during one of the times that we broke up I met someone else. I must admit that I have fallen in love with him and we have been more on than off for the last 5 years. I have been honest with high school sweetheart about my status with the other gentleman.

 

In November of last year the other gentleman and I decided to cool off, meanwhile this past February my high school sweetheart proposed to me. I have changed my life a lot in the fact that I am very religious now. However, I have extremely strong feelings for the other gentleman but he is not as religious as my high school sweetheart.

I really and truly love my high school sweetheart but it is not as passionately as the other gentleman. I am just afraid of hurting and disappointing my family as well as my high school sweetheart’s family with breaking the engagement. Should religion play a part? Should I just not be with anyone? Should I break it off with high school sweetie and be with the other gentleman? HELP PLEASE!!!!

Torn Between Two Lovers

Dear “Torn,”

This has been going on far too long! If you have to ask someone else who to spend the rest of your life with, you’re not with the right person, or you are not really ready in your life to make that decision. And that is OK — far too many people fall into marriages for all the wrong reasons, and those you are considering are not the wisest reasons for lifelong commitment:

Religion is important, as many of your values, friends, and activities may revolve around your religion. This can be a uniting or dividing factor. However, you state your religious affiliation is very recent. I’d give it some time to mature before making a decision based on that criterion alone.

Fear of hurting and disappointing family and friends is never a sound reason for entering into (or not ending) a relationship as fundamental as marriage. Strong family support and love can definitely enhance and provide stability to a good relationship (conversely, enmity and antagonism can cause repeated hardship and crisis).

However: At the end of the day, it’s not Them you’re ending up in bed with — nor having children with, nor facing over the morning coffee, nor budgeting the finances with — it’s Him. With which Him do you envision meeting life’s challenges? With whom do you want to grow old, and with whom are you truly compatible? And, about the passion — is the passion with the “forbidden fruit” or is the passion born of deep love and intimacy?

Some time off without either one of them — and NO ONE NEW! — just with yourself, getting to know yourself, would be a very courageous and smart thing to do right now!! It doesn’t appear to me that you know yourself very well nor have you spent much time alone without a lover of some sort in your life. The value here would be to gain some CLARITY — a very precious quality that makes making decisions an intelligent process, rather than based in emotional muddle, which is where you are now. Unless you happen to like the drama of having two men desiring to be your partner and being torn between them — a drama as old as Shakespeare and Greek plays! But that’s a drama no one wins, everyone ends up heartbroken, disappointed, and losing their lover or their integrity.

I believe somewhere inside you there’s a place where you know who and what is really right for you. To get to that place, you need solitude and quiet so that you can hear your own “still, small voice” of Inner Wisdom speaking. I challenge you to have the courage and strength to let go of the drama, and give both of these gentlemen the courtesy of your quiet contemplation. This is the way to get to know yourself well enough to trust your own inner knowing of which relationship is the healthiest, best partnering relationship for you!

Please check back with me and let me know how it’s coming, OK?

Sincerely,

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