Dear Judith,

I need your help. a few weeks ago, I met a man through a personal ad on the internet. Out of the many that responded, he was the only one who I hit it off with. We both felt as if we had known each other for years. We had a lot in common and both enjoyed talking to each other every second of the day. After 2 weeks, we agreed to get together. We both agreed that if the date did not work out, (we got along so well) we would remain friends.

Well, according to him the date did not work out well, because he said he did not like the fact that I laughed at him. I laughed at him because the night before, he went out with a friend and had way too many drinks. Also, he didn’t like the fact that I was afraid of his dog. I did thank him for being honest with me (at least I think he was being honest) and have not heard from him since.

The problem is, I miss what we shared prior to that and often wonder had I not laughed at him, would I be in an enjoyable relationship. I would love to call him to see how he is doing. Part of me says no, because if he was sincere about the friendship part, he would have called me. I did apologize for laughing at him and did tell him that I was just being silly. He asked what type of person laughs at someone who is sick?. He felt I should have offered to do something for him to make him feel better.

It’s going on 4 weeks now. Should I call him or just leave this situation alone all together. Please help me, it is really bothering me.

Messed Up

Dear “Messed Up”

I’m not sure if you’re messed up, but this date certainly seemed to be — as well as the guy you were with! I have to say that going out on a first date while sick from alcohol over-intoxication is the height of disrespect in my book. And to expect that one’s date “do something to make him feel better” ??? That sounds like he’s looking for a Mommy, a caretaker, or — in the parlance of addiction — a co-dependent partner to take responsibility for his blatant lack of it.

Laughing at him may or may not have been cool. You may have been being silly, he may have no sense of humour, you may have been cruel or insensitive. But it was certainly not your job to take care of him when he was obviously not taking care of himself. What was he doing out on a date, anyway — especially a FIRST date — hungover so badly he was still sick?? And what would future dates be like with this sick puppy? If we put our best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship, where does it go from here?

In addition, his lack of sensitivity to your fear of his dog concerns me. You don’t give your reasons, so I can only speculate: Fear of an animal should be always handled with respect by that animal’s owner, no matter what or how rational the reason for the fear. Lack of concern is lack of care for your comfort and feelings. And that is quite different from his expectation that you “take care” of him when his condition of “sick” was his choice of “sick-making” behaviour (not a genuine illness, nor a condition of disability, etc).

As far as friendship, this guy was much better at the considerable distance that a computer affords… one of the serious issues any one who meets potential dates online MUST be aware of. Thank your lucky stars you found out this guy was no friend and no potential partner on the first date, before you had invested any more of yourself.

I KNOW you can do better than this. Learn and Grow!!
Sincerely,

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