Dear Judith,

I’m 37 and my husband is 43, we’ve been married for 14 years and together almost 20. We have 2 kids and our relationship has endured many ups and down including illness and basic life-stuff, but on the whole it’s been a good marriage.

About 2 months ago my husband came home and said that he was leaving me, had his own place etc, but after talking long and hard he decided that he DID want our marriage and family to stay together, so things got back on track and things were hunky-dory until I received a phone call last week from his ‘girlfriend’ who he has been seeing on and off for the last year - we talked at length (calmly, which surprised me!), and it was obvious she was telling the truth and informed me of many things that made me feel very stupid and embarrassed, like the fact that he had taken her away for weekends and she had met his bosses, who my husband and I had been entertained by on our romantic getaway weekend a few days before the phone call.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I approached my husband, told him it’s over, gave him no chance for explanations and have spoken to him briefly about getting his things. I haven’t even heard a “sorry” in all this and am hurt, embarrassed, upset for my children and scared all at the same time. Please help me make the right choices here. I should add that there are 2 other incidents, one about 10 years ago, which he denied and the other about 4 years ago, which he admitted to.

This is complex and serious. You don’t say how old your children are or how they are affected by this, but their needs certainly need to be addressed. There have been three periods (or at least two, confirmed) of infidelity, not just brief indiscretions, but full blown affairs. In this last episode, lasting a year, with its blatant deceit and lack of any sort of discretion, is a SERIOUS breach of integrity.

Of course you are hurt, embarrassed, angry, upset, and scared… every possible emotion must be running through you and taking up residence in your heart!

To make the right choices, PLEASE get some professional help right away, whether or not your husband goes with you. A specialist in infidelity, divorce, relationship healing and dissolution would be very wise for you, and for your children. AND get a very good lawyer. It is imperative that you protect and provide for yourself and your children: start now! Mediation can be a wise choice for resolved property / custody issues, of course, but it is necessary to deal rationally with your fears around the well-being of your children & self. And knowing your legal rights is essential AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Let me know how you are doing… I care,
Sincerely,

To submit a question to the Advice Columnist, send us an email to AdviceColumn@ConsciousLoving.com. We suggest you read Hints for Getting Your Advice Question Published.

Disclaimer: The advice on this blog is intended for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing on this site should be construed as medical or psychiatric advice, nor is it a substitute for the care of licensed health professionals. In the event you use any of this advice for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

All original content on this site is copyrighted. Please contact us if you’d like permission to reprint anything. We are happy to share as long as prior request is made and full credit to the Author and ConsciousLoving.com is made.