Dear Judith,

I made a big mistake that has cost me my best friend and confidant. I won’t get into the gory details, but I basically told him that I would be fine without him.

I had been under the mistaken impression that he wasn’t interested in me or continuing our friendship, when in fact he was trying to move our relationship substantially further. He and I have had a long-term distant relationship, corresponding as best we can. However, because of this, there have been miscommunications on a grand scale.

Now, I fear that I’ve lost him for good, even as a friend. I had felt hurt and confused and unwanted. Now, I know that I made a terrible mistake. But he has a new girlfriend. His new girlfriend is quite a lot like me in age and personality. I would like to believe that this is so because he still feels something for me in spite of my flaws. But I think that that is just wishful thinking on my part. I fear I’ve come around way too late. I sincerely wish to let him know I still care. But I couldn’t have chosen a worse time. How do I let him know that I want to be friends? Even if I’ve lost the chance to be anything more than that.

Flawed and Floundering

Dear “Flawed” (and aren’t we all!),

Long distance relationships are fraught with peril, miscommuncations abound, and it takes a lot of maturity, experience, humility, and willingness to keep clarifying one’s perceptions, over and over again, in order to keep any relationship truly viable — especially one based in long-distance correspondence.

That said, what can you do now??? Have you told him exactly what you’ve told me — how you felt, the mistakes you made, your sincere wishes, your desire for friendship, your honest and heartfelt apology for the misunderstanding on your part and for anything hurtful for which you were responsible? Without grovelling or attachment to outcome (that’s the hard part), honestly speak your truth and then LET GO. Let him figure out where he now stands. Give him — and yourself — time.

Then start your own healing process: Make a list of all the things you learned in this relationship: all the benefits, the trials, the errors and misunderstandings, the challenges, the good and loving experiences–all of it. Take your time. Objectively review and learn from the relationship: where you acted out of false assumptions, where negative old beliefs and patterns took over, where “checking it out” would have been much better than jumping to conclusions, etc. Write it all out so you can look at it, review it, and learn from it in a kind and compassionate manner. Do NOT use this as an exercise in beating yourself up or self-judgement. We all make mistakes, all the time, in relationships. Few of us have had healthy role models in intimate relationships and most people haven’t the foggiest idea how to communicate clearly, honestly, and openly. So be charitable to yourself and be willing to use this as a wonderful — if painful — learning experience of self-discovery. Equally as important, start exploring something that you are really fascinated by, preferably a creative activity that gets your juices going! Art, music, poetry, writing, painting, any creative expression that turns you on. Get some regular exercise which will help reduce depression and anxiety. And find someone supportive and objective to talk with, to help you sort out and learn from this experience. A counselor who specializes in personal and relationship growth would be very helpful to you now. Lastly, read some of the great articles and books listed on Conscious Loving and learn all you can about relationships, communication, intimacy, love, the “opposite” sex, men & women’s different styles and needs… You can come out of this experience healthier, happier, and more capable of entering into a mutually rewarding relationship than you ever dreamed when you were hurting and grieving!

That is my heartfelt wish for you, my dear one; remember, all gems have “flaws”, they are part of what gives them their unique identity! Be sure to email me again, let me know how you’re doing, and if I can be of further assistance.
Sincerely,

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