Dear Judith,

My problem is sort of unusual. I’ve been reading a lot of the columns that talk about men who are emotionally abusive toward their wives, and my heart goes out these women. If I were in their shoes, I would leave in a heartbeat. I am in somewhat of an abusive situation, too, but my situation is unique, and I am not sure that leaving is the correct answer for me. First, instead of screaming, shouting and threatening, he completely ignores me for any time from 3 days to a week. It is as if I am a non-person.
The second way it is different is that this happens once every three or four YEARS. Another way my situation is unusual is that he does not treat me poorly or put me down in front of our sons. When they are in the room, if I am acting sad or down, he will tell them that “Mommy doesn’t feel well today”. The other day, even though he was treating me poorly, he disciplined my son for being rude to me. I just don’t get it. Once it is over, he doesn’t really want to discuss it. He will say he wants to “talk” but he will just listen to me with a bored look on his face, give me all the “politically correct” answers, and then want to drop it forever since it is over.
This just happened last week, (the last time it happened was probably sometime in 1999) and I know it will not happen again until about 2004 or 2005, but I still feel like I should not have to endure it at all. But when I think of other people’s situations that are far worse, I feel like I should be thankful that this only happens once ever 2 or 3years. Any thoughts????

Shut Out

Dear “Shut Out,”You don’t really detail what the rest of your relationship is like… What level of communication, intimacy, care, love, compassion, friendliness, harmony, interaction, etc. exists during the years he’s not behaving like a sphinx? Is he REALLY a caring, kind, loving, communicative, dear partner who has a strange, rare quirk of silent regression every few years?

Look honestly at the quality of the whole relationship and ask yourself is this truly a healthy relationship the majority of the time? Are your children treated with care and kindness? If this is basically a good relationship (and I agree, no one should have to endure the silent treatment and parroted non-communications afterward) then you have an interesting option: The moment that the “silent treatment” starts, pack your bags (and your children’s, if necessary) and go on retreat yourself — away from home. Leave him a note that, when HIS silent retreat is over and he wishes to be a partner again, YOUR silent retreat will be over, too. It is important that this is not a revengeful or “get even” tactic, just an acknowledgment that he needs some silence and time to reflect, and you need not to be with him in the same house while he silently retreats.

The other option is to get some marriage/communications counseling — a good idea in any event here. Let me know how this works for you!Sincerely,

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