Dear Judith,

I recently discovered that my husband has been downloading pornography from the Internet. He says that he has only done it a few times, but I am very confused. I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he is happy with me and content with our marriage. But I keep wondering why he would do this if he was really satisfied with me and with our sex life. Can you explain this? I don’t know what to do. If he promises not to do it anymore, can I trust him? Should I trust him? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing, like he says I am? I feel like he’s had an affair on me and I’ve been betrayed somehow. I keep thinking about it and it’s interfering with my ability to make love with him. What did I do wrong? Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him for doing this to us, but I don’t think that will help. He already feels bad enough. Where do we go from here?

Betrayed

Dear “Betrayed,”

You don’t define the nature of this pornography and that’s the first question that’s essential to explore. Pornography comes in all degrees: soft, sensuous, sexy; hard, brutal, abusive, demeaning; child; homosexual, bi, etc. Obviously, the effect of each of these on the observer is different. And some of these forms are extremely problematical and need immediate addressing if they are the forms being viewed by your husband.

Pornography — like any obsessions with sex — can be addictive. If this is the case — that there is an obsession and an inability to stay away from pornographic materials — then appropriate sexual addiction treatment is mandatory for the relationship to survive. If the pornography is of the soft kind, more sexy/sensuous/titillating than hard, then, is it something you can share for mutual arousal? Even in a good relationship, people (especially, it seems, men) enjoy a little variety to spice up their sex lives. Rather than get that variety outside the relationship, some prefer fantasy, movies, etc. Have the two of you discussed what motivates his desire for pornography? Is it stress, desire for variety, curiousity, personal dissatisfaction, feelings of inadequacy, “what all guys do” ?

Communications WITHOUT JUDGMENT are urgently needed here. If you go into a hurt, angry, jealous, or insecure place, your communications with each other will be less than honest, will not be growth-enhancing, and neither of you will learn what you need to know about your own sexual issues. You say he feels “bad enough already” something that he says is no big deal — so why does he feel bad? Is it ’cause he got caught, ’cause you’re angry, or that he really feels guilty because he feels he betrayed you?

I can understand and empathize with your feelings of being betrayed. This is a time for some marital therapy. Find someone who is especially trained in couples’ sexual issues. There are some excellent resources available for couples sexual development. Explore these together to heighten the sexual intimacy and communications in this marriage. Let me know how you do. And if you give me more specific information to above questions, I could be of more help.
Sincerely,

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