Dear Paul and Layne,

I recently discovered that my husband has been downloading pornography from the Internet. He says that he has only done it a few times, but I am very confused. I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he is happy with me and content with our marriage. But I keep wondering why he would do this if he was really satisfied with me and with our sex life. Can you explain this? I don’t know what to do. If he promises not to do it anymore, can I trust him? Should I trust him? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing, like he says I am? I feel like he’s had an affair on me and I’ve been betrayed somehow. I keep thinking about it and it’s interfering with my ability to make love with him. What did I do wrong? Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him for doing this to us, but I don’t think that will help. He already feels bad enough. Where do we go from here?

Betrayed

Dear “Betrayed,”

Please, be “oh, so careful” about the interpretations you make about his motivation. The interpretations you are making are causing you pain and they may not be accurate. The fact is that sexually, in humanity’s evolutionary development, we are very primitive. We are steeped in sexual fear and guilt and it has a profound affect on our interpretations about our own and others’ sexuality.

Have you ever thought about what the most conscious, enlightened perspective is on human sexuality? Whatever it may be, we’re sure that shame and repression are not part of the formula. It is important for you and your husband to explore this issue together. Can you create a safe place for him to be honest with you about his curiosity? Or are you so filled with hurt and fear that you can’t listen to him without condemnation? If you honestly want to understand why he has been curious about pornography, he will need a safe place to explore and reveal his thinking. Perhaps you can offer this safe space or perhaps you need a counselor to help you navigate this terrain.

But it is imperative that both of you bring an energy of enlightened compassion to this issue. With this you can bring the unconscious impulses to the light of awareness where they can be used as catalysts for personal development. We offer another point of view that may bring you more peace. Perhaps this problem is an evolutionary driver for your individual and mutual sexual expression. Perhaps his curiosity is simply an expression of an unconscious desire to heal and deepen his awareness around sex. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to enrich your already wonderful sexual lives together. Not necessarily through the form of pornography, but because of the deeper understanding you will both gain as a result of this situation.

As you are able to take responsibility for your own feelings and understand why you have been pulled to the painful interpretations you have made, i.e., “I can’t trust him anymore. It’s like he has been unfaithful to me”, you will be able to authentically forgive him, which can help heal the “feeling bad” he is already experiencing. We’re pretty sure that he never considered the idea that you would be so deeply hurt by his exploration. Making him feel guilty is not a healing option; it is a control option born of fear. It will backfire on both of you. Be gentle with each other as you explore a deeper level of truth-telling with one another.

With love and blessings,

Layne and Paul Cutright

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