Dear Judith,

My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together in a few weeks. He has a cat and loves it. I never had pets as a child nor as an adult — cat hair on clothes sickens me and the thought of finding a cat hair in my dinner makes me nauseous. The smell of a litter box has the same effect.

I shared my concern, which obviously concerned my boyfriend. What should I do? I don’t want to choose between them, and if I don’t let him move the cat in, I will feel awful. I am in an apartment which makes the space issue a problem because I can smell a litter box from anywhere. Help!!

No Pets

Dear “No Pets,”

I can really resonate with this issue — because I am a cat lover and I’ve had to deal with this issue more than once with assorted partners and friends!!! So, here are my thoughts on this sensitive issue:

• There is more than just the cat involved, as you may have guessed. How you resolve this will have a lot to do with how you resolve many other issues (children, in-laws, best friends, money, relocating, illness, etc.) in your relationship, which, I must assume since you’re moving in together, is anticipated to be a committed long term relationship, no? That is, life has all kinds of ickies and stickies, uglies and stinkies! How you deal with them, how you negotiate, dedicate yourselves to win-win, rather than win-lose solutions is how likely you are to have harmonious and loving or contentious and stressful relationships.
• There are practical matters: Clothes delinters are a must in any animal household. I get bundles of 4-6 lint rollers at Costco and have them scattered around the house for quick de-furring anywhere. Cat hair is no more likely in your dinner than your hair is — if you kindly but firmly keep the cat off the counters and food prep areas (a water squirt bottle works wonders and is harmless and very effective for the curious cat!).
• Litter box? There are some very good litters now that are odor fighters. I particularly like the Pine one — ecologically and odor-wise it’s great. The thing about litter boxes is that they need to be kept CLEAN — frequently emptied. Enzyme liquid (Nature’s Miracle & Odor Eliminator are two good ones) a little in the bottom of the box is helpful. Also, a healthy cat is very low in the odor department! I’ve found when my cats’ elimination is odoriferous, there’s usually a digestion or urinary tract problem — honest.
• You’re absolutely right, you don’t want to make a choice of “me or the cat”. No one wins that way. It’s too bad you were denied the opportunity to bond with an animal as a child — pets are great teachers of love, affection, patience, etc. Great training for parenthood and partnering, too!! The issues you bring up about cats are issues you’d face with a child, although you may think they’d be different because it’s a child. But children are smelly, messy, cranky, get hair and dirt all over everything, etc… you get the picture.
• My personal observation based on many years research when I was dating: Men who genuinely love, enjoy, and appreciate cats seemed to be much more appreciative of the feminine (and of women) and were usually much more in touch with their feelings. I found that the men I dated, and even friends and clients, who didn’t like cats generally were distainful of women, uncomfortable with the feminine. For what its worth, that was my experience. Therefore, as a woman with a cat-lover boyfriend, you’re probably in luck!

Talk, explore all the options of making this partnership with the three of you a viable one, look for all the ways you can enjoy and appreciate this cat for your own benefit, and take this opportunity to learn communication skills and open hearted-ness with one another. Let me know how this evolves and if you need further help, perhaps both of you would like to check in with me!

Sincerely,

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