Dear Judith,

I am engaged to marry a wonderful man. He is caring and sensitive and respects me and is ambitious and makes me very happy.

My only concern is we have a (what i call) role reversal. He is the girl in our relationship. He is the one who wants to sit up and talk until 3:00am when I have to get to work by 7:00am. He is the one who gets upset if i don’t call to say i am going to be late. Things bother him and he nit picks about other things instead of addressing the issue. Once he starts talking about what he is mad about, we will talk about it but he won’t let it go — he beats it to death, and then goes on to something else so its a night of fighting regardless. i am not sure what to do to make it so it’s not just that - and evening of fighting.

He says he doesn’t feel needed and wants me to tell him things like ‘i don’t want him to work an extra night at work because i want him to stay home with me’, but i don’t mind that he works extra hours b/c that’s more money for us. I don’t know, I DO know I don’t enjoy to arguing. I say he is the girl b/c i use to act that way with the last guy i dated, i did that b/c i felt he wasn’t paying attention to me or really loved me so i would start on one thing and go al night just to have his attention. but i make it a point to pay as much attention to him as i can so that that isn’t the problem.

How do i stop him from worrying about us? what more do i need to do to make him feel loved b/c he can’t seem to tell me.

Role Reversal

Dear Role Reversal,

I’m not sure I agree that your fiance is carrying the “girl” role in this relationship. What I get is that there’s a lot of insecurity and poor communications skills here. I’d strongly recommend that the two of you get involved in a good communications skills class or group, preferably one run by a relationship therapist, and arrange for a few premarital therapy sessions to develop healthy communication patterns. What you’re doing now is NOT going to lead to marital bliss!
Sincerely,

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