Dear Judith,

My girlfriend of 15 months has recently broke up with me over my refusal to allow her to see other men casually. We were in a very long distance relationship, and things have been rocky for a few months.

After the original breakup she became excessively embittered. We talked once more and she basically used the conversation to hurt my feelings. I felt like what she had told me represented more of an issue she was trying to deal with then actual anger for me. This was confirmed 8-9 days after when we talked again. During this and about two more conversations she gave me several different reasons for the breakup ranging from her need to diversity to my need for commitment.

A few days ago, we talked and I confronted her about her inability to give me a real reason for the breakup because I needed to understand. She finally told me that she herself didn’t know and wondered about the need for it several times. She then started to talk about how she just stopped listening to people and how she started to feel like she needed to make her own way. We talked about this, and how what she was doing is something that she would have to do alone.

But what I am wondering is this, should I wait for her… and is this yet another answer that will change tomorrow? And if it truly is a change she is making and wants to make alone is it fair for her to see other men? Basically what I am asking is this. She seems to want me to wait for her to make up her mind. Is it healthy for me to do so? And if so, it is right for me to ask her not to see other men since I am waiting for her?

Thanks in Advance,

Confused

Dear “Confused”

First off, let’s address the issue of your “allowing” your girlfriend to do or not do ANYTHING. It is never the role of any partner to allow or forbid or in any other way control their partner’s choices or behaviours. If your girlfriend desires to do something that you’re not happy about, of course both of you need to talk it over, to explore the reasons why you each feel the way you do. Communication is for working out and resolving your differences in relationship, and learning to know and understand just what the needs and desires are that one another has. And if they are not compatible, then you have the option of ending the relationship and finding someone with whom you are more compatible.

You do not have the right to tell the other person they can or can’t do something. If you have been doing that, I’m not surprised your relationship is rocky. It sounds like your girlfriend is telling your she’s had too many people telling her what to do and needs to find out what’s right for her, to “make her own way”. And that is a good thing. Frankly, a significant part of maturing — of GROWING UP — is learning to think for one’s self, and that is something we generally have to do alone. A good mentor — someone who is older, wiser, and who doesn’t have an agenda with us — can be a great help. A boyfriend or girlfriend usually has an agenda — they want the relationship to go their way. Right?

Distance is an issue, and long distance relationships take a good deal of maturity, openness, communication, and certainty. They are not easy, they are very challenging, and the rush towards premature commitment makes many of them collapse under the pressure. Lighten up, and don’t push for anything BOTH of you aren’t ready for yet. Remember, I often say “It takes two ‘Yesses’ to make a relationship — One ‘No’ cancels everything out!”

As far as waiting for her: That is a decision only you can make. But… I usually recommend that rather than “waiting for” a person, that you instead spend that time doing things that are really good for you: get involved with activities that are healthy and rewarding. The reason? It never works to “wait” for someone and feel your life is “on hold” and that you’re wasting time “waiting for them to make up their mind.” Get involved with your own life and improve it! If the two of you do get together, you’ll have quality things to share with her, you won’t be resentful that she needed time, and she’ll enjoy even more being with you. If you don’t get back together, you will have quality things to share with a new girlfriend, you won’t be resentful, and you’ll feel good that you developed a new talent, pursued an activity of interest, or in other ways improved your life. Learn to think for yourself, like she says she is wanting to do. You’ll be glad you did — you’ll have much more to offer and any girl would be glad to be with you.
Sincerely,

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