Dear Judith,

I know it might seem difficult to understand why someone might say or do something but I guess if you truly know someone it’s not. The hardest thing is that I thought I did know him and I realized that I didn’t. My ex boyfriend and I had been going out for three years and we went through a lot. It was basically the kind of relationship that people seem to think that nothing went wrong. Since we broke up it’s been so hard since everyone remembers us as one.

The thing is that I can’t let out all the feelings that come to me when people ask about us. I know I still care because I can’t stop thinking about him. The problem is that I also can’t stop thinking about all the things he has put me through. It seemed as if I always did the wrong thing in the relationship. I always tried to work things out but at the end I would end up crying and feeling worse. He would say sorry and tell me “I love you” and that would be the end of it. I went this way for a while until we broke up one day. I didn’t want to stop talking to him completely, so we keep talking to see if we could just take a break and maybe later get back together. This was even worse so I decided to be friends. This idea to him was bad and he gave me a hard time telling me how he still wanted to work things out with me and be with me.

I was heartbroken to see him with some girl at a party he knew I was going to. I arrived with my friends and I saw him dancing with this girl and I got upset. I thought that he hated dancing and this made me see how well I’d known him. Not only this but later that night I saw him and her kissing and that was the worst feeling ever. I knew he was going with this girl since he had mentioned it saying “She’s just a friend, don’t think anything bad.” After seeing this I knew he was a liar and a stranger. He came up to me and tried to talk to me put all I could do was walk away.

Since that day he has not called me and I don’t know if I should call him even though I am the one that insisted on being friends. I want to be the bigger person and get this straight but at the same time it would make me the weak one for calling. It would seem as if I did something wrong when it was him, what should I do?

No Longer Speaking

Dear “No Longer Speaking,”
This situation cries out for ending. It sounds like there has been some deception and that the relationship wasn’t healthy for some time: If you felt you were always doing the wrong thing and issues weren’t resolved, just put off with an “I love you” when you got really upset, there was some skill missing in this relationship. It seems he has moved on, in a less than honourable way — rather immaturely, I might say.

You wanted to be friends, but is this the kind of person (or at least the kind of behavior) that inspires friendship??? Not in my book! Be the “bigger person” and choose friends who treat you with respect, caring, honor, and kindness. Friendship takes two “yes”es — as do all meaningful relationships — one “No” cancels it out. It is NOT a matter of weakness nor of being right or wrong; it is a matter of self-respect and healthy self-care.

I encourage you to get involved in some project, group, or interest that is meaningful, captivating, fulfilling, and your constant thoughts about this situation will disappear pretty quickly. If you have feelings that still churn around inside, put them to paper… say whatever is deep inside you — all of it. Then bury the papers, or burn them in the fireplace SAFELY and let all those painful feelings go. Write down ten beautiful things about yourself, five good things you learned from this relationship, and five ways in which you are willing to grow and change to participate in a healthier relationship with the next person you choose to get involved with.

Let me know how you do! Take care!
Sincerely,

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