Dear Judith,

I know that this is mainly my fault but I don’t know how to comfort my girlfriend when she gets upset. When something upsets her I try to comfort her by telling her I am here for her and that everything is all right. The problem is that she just shuts down and gets angrier, telling me that I don’t know how to comfort her and that I’m just making things worse.

I’ve tried to just give her space but when I do she just comes back at me a few hours later saying that I don’t care about her and that why am I just ignoring her. The worst part is that because she gets so upset with me I end up blaming myself and then I get really upset and she ends up comforting me. It always ends up this way, about me. She tells me that I’m so selfish and that it always ends up about me getting upset, but I don’t mean for that to happen, I just get so upset trying so desperately to calm her down things just get worse and worse. And if I back off and try to let it pass she ends up getting really mad anyway and storming off and acting all irrational, then I just get really upset cause she’s so mad at me. I’ve tried asking her what she wants me to do to comfort her when she is upset but she just tells me that I should know and that if I don’t by now then she’s not going to tell me.

There are also a lot of times when I don’t know why she is upset. She often analyses everything that I say and takes my comments the wrong way, I often find myself trying to work out what made her so upset and she doesn’t want to tell me. Now don’t get me wrong, for 95% of the time, we have a great relationship. We’ve been together for nearly 3 years and we’re living together at the moment. We are so happy for most of the time and so in love with each other. People always comment on how happy we are and that we could never be the kind of couple that fight. Its just that when we do fight, which isn’t that often, it usually gets way out of hand and I end up being the one who gets the most upset even though she was the one that was upset in the first place. I just don’t know how to stop this cycle.

What can I do? There is obviously a case of different types of people dealing with tense situations in different ways, I know I like to talk about things and resolve problems straight away but I don’t understand how to help her when she is upset. Can you help me to see her side of things and see what I’m doing terribly wrong each time we argue? I just don’t understand, and don’t know how to become enlightened.

My Fault

Dear “My Fault,”

Where does this assumption come from, that “this is mainly my fault” that you don’t know how to comfort your sweetie??? Maybe you don’t know how, but that is not a “fault”. It means you have some learning to do, that’s all. Telling someone who’s upset that “everything’s all right” can, mistakenly, come across as invalidating and paternalistic (kind of fathering). Telling her that you’re here for her is good. Then, ask “Tell me about it”, and LISTEN. Most women need to talk without being “fixed”, or their problem “fixed”, but need to be given a chance to talk it out without suggestions of what they should do. Most of us are pretty good about figuring out our own solutions if our partner is a good listening post! You two are getting into a round-robin game: she gets upset, you back off, she gets more upset, you get even more upset, she ends up comforting you, then she’s upset. you’re upset, you back off, she gets… well, you both know the drill. If something doesn’t work and you keep doing it over and over, hoping for different results, you know what that’s the definition of, right? Insanity! Yes, it’s a crazy-making cycle and it can crash even pretty good relationships.

Backing off can seem like abandonment or desertion, so, see the above suggestion as step one in breaking this painful cycle. Sit down when neither of you are upset with the intention of exploring mutual options of resolving this dilemma. Obviously, if you KNEW what to do, you would be doing it. So, even though she thinks you SHOULD know, you DON’T know and you both NEED to know what steps to take in order to have a different outcome to these upsets (IF that’s what you want). Talking when either of you are upset is a losing proposition. Set up a friendly, neutral time when both of you are open to listening as well as sharing.

I’m confused: you seem to indicate that these upsets are “often”, or “a lot of times”, and yet you say “95% of the time we have a great relationship”. The truth is that if even 5% of the time you have these round-robin upsets, that sure can put grief in a relationship. So, is it happening more often than you think? It also sounds like it would be very good for you to learn some emotional balancing skills. That is, some things to do to calm down, take a break, center, and defuse your own upsets. Getting emotionally blitzed doesn’t serve either of you. Again, this is not your FAULT, but rather an opportunity for mutual learning and growth, bringing enlightenment to the relationship.

You can’t solve or fix whatever is upsetting her, but you can be supportive, interested, a good listener, and not take on her issues as your responsibility to solve. Men seem to approach a lot of “problems” in a “problem-solving manner” which is quite different from how many women approach working through a problem.

A couple books come to mind which may be of help to understand the different ways men and women solve problems and communicate: John Gray’s “Mars and Venus” books are excellent and great reading for both of you; Deborah Tannen’s “You Just Don’t Understand” is a classic and fascinating exploration of the same. Both of you need to learn how to communicate when there are differences and upsets. Also, you can check out classes, workshops, and relationship counselors. If you’ve got a relationship worth having, it is definitely worth learning how best to hear each other and to healthily meet each other’s needs!!!

Let me know how you do…

Sincerely,

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