Dear Judith,

I have enjoyed my time as a student in college - learning a lot in classes, participating in numerous fun after-school activities and meeting many new people. I have been exploring my interests and learning a lot about myself.

However, I rarely date. Although I have met many interesting people, it seems that all the men I am attracted to are either in relationship with someone else or not interested in me.

There seem to be men that are interested in me, but I am rarely asked on dates. I am friendly and (I think) quite approachable… and I am interested in pursuing romantic relationships with others. What’s going on? I am a rather traditional girl - I don’t mind initiating conversations or flirting, but I don’t really like asking guys out.

What can I do to better communicate my availability and interest without compromising my comfortability? Anyone have any ideas? Thanks…

Wondering Why

Dear Wondering Why,

You sound like a delightful young woman, and quite a “catch” for any guy who would take the time to look more closely at what you have to offer.

I particularly want to acknowledge your willingness to explore your interests, and to learn about yourself. You might expand that learning with a courageous question or two to male friends (make sure they are compassionate, supportive friends!) about how you are perceived by men as a potential date. If you are brave enough to solicit feedback from those you wish to engage in your life, you can learn some valuable things about yourself! Perhaps there are subtle ways you discourage the very men you’d like to date and you are not aware of it.

Continue to be active in groups where you have interests. Especially, volunteer your abilities in a field that interests you. It’s a great way to meet like-minded folks, and expand your availability. Also, it looks good on your resume as excellent references and experience that is often hard for new graduates to come by.

I can appreciate your desire not to compromise yourself — it is not so much a “comfortability” to be concerned about — we must all stretch beyond our comfort zones to reach into new experiences. But when you compromise your values in dating, you weaken your own sense of self and your ability to say “No!” and mean it. There is nothing inherently wrong with women approaching men and indicating their desire to become involved. However, it does seem that the majority of men still prefer being the pursuer, and are less likely to invest as much of themselves in relationships where they didn’t have to put forth much effort.

I teach several empowering manifestation techniques that really work!! I’ll share one of my favourite approaches to this issue: “Writing Your Vision.” This is an extremely effective process of manifesting what you truly desire! It is deceptively simple, and in its simplicity, works miracles in your life. Here’s what to do: Write a complete description of your ideal partner and the relationship you desire. Reevaluate and rewrite (NOT recopy) the description for several days, adding or subtracting ideas until you’re comfortable with the complete description. Then, ask yourself three key questions:

1. Do I myself have the qualities I am looking for in a partner? (If you’re looking for a generous partner but are stingy and have a poverty consciousness yourself, you’re unlikely to find a good match.)
2. Am I willing to make the changes and adjustments necessary to engage in a loving relationship with a partner like this? (ANY change in our circumstances demands that we change, too — going from being unpartnered to partnered is a BIG change in your life and its style… are you ready, able, and willing?)
3. Do I BELIEVE this can happen for me? (If so, why? If not, why not?) If you follow this process, you will accelerate your progress into the coupled world. Why? Because you will attract what you focus on and what you are prepared for, and you will have a “blueprint” for relationship which will give you a focus that few of your peers will have. And, you will clear the obstacles to this attraction as you acknowledge and deal with whatever’s in the way. Let me know how you do, OK?

Good Fortune, my dear!Sincerely,

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