Dear Judith,

I’m turning 19 and my parents don’t want me to be with my boyfriend of almost 1 year, he’s 28. After I got pregnant and had an abortion, my boyfriend has been distant. He doesn’t say “I love you” that often anymore, and he doesn’t want to have intimacy. His reason is he doesn’t want me to get pregnant again, and also, he wants us to wait till we get married, because he’s afraid I’m going to leave him because of my parents.

I love him very much, but I have my needs too. I’m waiting for the day we could finally be together, which will be in at least 3 years, or when I’ll be independent of my family. I’m not too much into intimacy anyways, but he’s cold toward me when I hug him or when I tell him my feelings toward him.

What can I do to get him back? And also, he’s not romantic at all, and very direct. Last time he told me to not expect anything for my b-day, ‘cuz he’s not romantic. And he said, he’s not saying this to then give me a surprise. It really hurts me, but I’m used to it.

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Excuse me, am I hearing you right?? He’s backed way off from a relationship with you and:

1. You got pregnant with his child and had an abortion,
2. there’s a 9 yr difference between you,
3. you’re used to being hurt by him,
4. he’s not interested in intimacy,
5. you’re talking about marriage w-a-y down the line
6. he hardly ever expresses “I love you”
7. he’s cold to you when you hug him
8. he’s “not romantic” and that’s OK with you

It sounds to me like this is a relationship well on its way out. And it concerns me that a man this much older than you was having (obviously) unprotected sex with you when you were a minor. I can understand that your parents would have some strong feelings about this — can you??

It’s also very common — often heartbreakingly so — that after an abortion many relationships do not survive.

If there is anything to salvage here, I would strongly recommend some good relationship counseling for the two of you. And I would encourage you to get personal therapy. Healing emotionally after an abortion is extremely important. I have known many, many women who have had deeply buried emotional pains years after an abortion which can affect future relationships, child-bearing, future parenting, and self-esteem.

Do not sweep this under the carpet in denial of its impact on you and your relationship. Please get help now and let me know how you’re doing in a couple months.

Sincerely,

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