Dear Judith,

I’m a 28 year old woman, and it’s been a very long time since I’ve actually been really interested in anyone. Usually the guys I’m attracted to seem really kind, funny, and sometimes a little shy. I think maybe I’m attracted to them because they seem like positive guys, and the kindness is important to me. These however, are never the guys that actually ask me out. The only guys that ever actually ask are guys that I am not really attracted to physically.

I hate saying no to someone without giving them a chance (unless they’re just completely creepy — I do have standards) so I usually say yes. I’m always excited about the date. I’d hate to pass up a really great guy just because I didn’t start off attracted to them, ya know? So, I’m always kind, and try to have a good time with them. But these men never end up treating me with respect, and it has never once worked out.

Anyway, most of the time my dates suck… and I don’t get asked out all that often anyway. I’m wondering how to change this. Recently, I met a man that I’m completely attracted to. He seems kind, and funny, and I genuinely think I could really like him. But I don’t know how to go about encouraging him. I’d really like to get to know him better… But he’s a lab tech at the college I’m attending. Lab techs at this school are usually very intimidating, they aren’t very nice, and usually don’t want to speak to you at all. And I guess deep down I do have this little voice that keeps saying that my entire school is filled with supermodel types, and I just don’t see how this guy would really want me. This is not based solely on my insecurity. I know lots of guys at my school, and I’ve heard them talking. They all seem to want a size two supermodel type with a great personality. Well, I am not a supermodel, I am not a size two… but I have the great personality. I’ve spoken to this guy only a couple times, but he remembered me from the first time… and both times we’ve spoken he made quite a lot of eye contact with me, and gave me those sly little smiles… I don’t want to read anything into it. But I got the impression that he might have been checking me out…

But frankly its been so long since I felt like I got signals from someone that I’m actually interested in… And I definitely don’t know how to act around him to let him know that I’m open to getting to know him better. I suppose the bottom line is that he will tell me if he’s interested. But this problem is bigger than him… I very rarely get asked out. I’m so sick of things always going the same way. They seem interested… but that’s it. They never ask. I’m wondering if I just don’t come off as approachable, or maybe my personality isn’t attractive… My friends say I should flirt. But I don’t know how… and …ok, I never get asked out by the guys that I’m attracted to, or by the guys that act interested in me. And this is what I’m afraid will happen here. Guys act interested, but there is just something missing… they never go the extra mile and just ask me out. What can I do to change this? I’m not ugly… I’m not really even all that overweight… I’m funny. I smile when they speak to me, I speak to them… I make eye contact. I do all that stuff. What am I overlooking? I don’t want to admit it, but I am starting to wonder if it really could be my weight. What should I do? Please help me…

Hopeful

Dear “Hopeful,”

If it is the weight, you know what you can do: start taking very good care of yourself, getting some enjoyable exercise, eat very healthily, and attend to your personal well being.

And if it isn’t the weight? DO THE SAME! Start taking the very best care of yourself, physically and emotionally. A WOMAN WHO TRULY LIKES AND ENJOYS HERSELF, WHO HAS INTERESTS SHE’S PASSIONATE ABOUT, IS VERY ATTRACTIVE TO MEN!! It is NOT her size two-ness that captures a man’s heart, it is her PASSION for life, for a cause she believes in, for her art, her creativity, her beliefs — That captivates!

Believe me, you have much to offer, and you sound like a delightful woman. But attending to your concern about whether “they” are interested in you vs directing your energies towards your greatest passion (not “them”) is where your answer lies. It works!!

Good luck — and let me know what happens as you redirect your energies. If you have further questions about this approach, feel free to contact me again!
Sincerely,

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