Dear Judith,

I’m a 20 year old female. It all goes back to my child hood… my mom left when i was 6 years old, and my dad raised me… and gave me everything he ever could, with the simple intention of seeing me happy… but being undoubtedly spoiled, and watching my dad’s financial struggle to support the spoiling I learned to appreciate the things I got… now at 20 and even during my teenage years, I always felt as though I was somehow in debt to my dad, always terrified of disappointing him… even though I know that he would be devastated to know that i felt this way now. But i have found that I carry this debt into my relationships… I’m so afraid of disappointing my boyfriend sometimes I’ll put myself second in order to make him happy…

Ross moved to Illinois last July for school, and so we called an end to our 2 year relationship, deciding that the distance would destroy it sooner or later, and that we should end it on a good note. but still quite in love we’ve remained in contact, and i’ll be moving there to be with him at the beginning of this upcoming year… i had the original intention of being able to be there on January 7th, but after i went to the dentist, i discovered that i have quite a bit of work to be done, and that i may have to wait till mid February to move… if i want the work done… since i’ll lose my benefits after i move and cannot afford it otherwise…

i told him the news today, and he was horribly disappointed… so i decided to cancel my appointments and move anyway. and i’ve just realized that i am following my old patterns, like i do with my dad, putting myself after them… and while i realize in relationships it’s a give take situation… this is somewhat health related… i need advice on getting over this “disappointing fear” before it gets me into an abusive relationship.

Afraid of Disappointing Him

 

 

 

Dear “Afraid,”
I do hope your fear hasn’t moved you to abandon yourself and your needs. Unless your boyfriend is committed to taking care of your medical bills — certainly a justifiable support if you are losing your med benefits in a move to please him — the only person you’ll truly be disappointing is YOU! Yes, your attachment to disappointment is your fear of disappointing another, but the truth is that you ultimately disappoint your Self — your own highest and best interests — when you abandon/neglect/put yourself second where your well-being is concerned.

Putting others first is a wise and compassionate Golden Rule to live by in ordinary — and extraordinary — life. Thinking of other’s feelings and needs, caring for and being attentive to persons in need, not insisting on your own way, are all important aspects of leading a life of lovingkindness. But caring for your own well-being — your health: physical, mental, financial, spiritual — is essential to your ability to share caring with others. Your first responsibility is to your own life. You’ve got nothing to work with if your health, finances, emotional stability, spiritual resources are bankrupt!

NO person who cares about, let alone loves you, is going to be “disappointed” if you take the time, money, attention, to take care of your health and well-being. It would be tantamount to abuse for anyone to take issue with your right and responsibility to do so.

You get over this pattern by consistently choosing to take sensible, healthy care of yourself, by committing to never abandon yourself just to please someone else’s wants that are at odds with your well-being, and by communicating clearly and openly with one another about what is healthiest and most supportive to each of you. Give and take are, of course, a necessary part of any good relationship. But it is not “I give you my health and you take it”! It is more like “I take very good, healthy care of myself so that I can give you my very best self”! A great mutual commitment!

I encourage you to set Intentions in the New Year that affirm healthy, loving care for yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, financially, relationship-wise, and in all ways to create a joyous, fulfilling life for yourself and with your beloved.

Sincerely,

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