Dear Judith,

My grandma, (we are very close) has 2 daughters, my mom and my aunt. When my grandpa was ill, my aunt spent a lot of time taking care of him (sleeping over each night) and taking him to the doctor’s appointments and dialysis 3 times a week. She had a full time day job too. My mom, who doesn’t work, only helped a couple of times. (She got into an argument with my grandma — one of them “yelled” at the other and both of them are stubborn and don’t take “that kind of treatment” from anyone).

My grandma also smokes. My mom says she’s “not smoking” anymore. She had to grow up breathing smoke all time. She never went back to help. We had a “family meeting” to discus hospice. She did not attend. My grandfather died that night. My Aunt (who obviously was very upset and in shock over his death, and also upset that she didn’t come to the meeting or help out) called my mom’s house. There was no answer, so she left a message on the machine, “Just calling to let you know that dad died last night.” I guess that is what my mom is mad about 2 years later. If she hadn’t notified my mom, she would’ve been in trouble for that too.

Anyway, my mom has never gone back to my grandma’s house. She said she is not mad at her; she just doesn’t want to smoke. My grandma says she has the right to smoke. (Air cleaners won’t solve the problem; my mom won’t accept ANY smell of smoke at all.) They saw each other at my grandma’s birthday dinner. My aunt and mom attended. My aunt cheerfully talked to my mom and asked how she was and everything. My mom gave quick answers and didn’t ask her anything in return, but at least she was civil.

Now mom has decided that she doesn’t want her sister in her life. I was planning a big Thanksgiving to invite everyone. My mom said she wouldn’t come if my Aunt was there. Everybody else wants to come and get along and have fun. So it’s all on me now. Either my mom is angry at me, or my Aunt stays home. I don’t like being manipulated like this. My mom says, “Why don’t she have thanksgiving with her OWN family?” (My aunt has a daughter who went out of town, and a son who is disabled) My grandma is HER mom too, and I still love my aunt. I don’t know why my mom hates her. I am angry at my mom for putting me in this position. Should I cave into my mom’s demands, or let everyone come to Thanksgiving? (also, this happened last year — my mom didn’t attend Christmas). I’m sure mom will cause problems this Christmas too)

Blue Holiday

Dear “Blue Holiday,”

You have my deepest sympathies, dear one: A parent whose behaviour is more petulant and obstinate than their two-year-old grandchild’s is a pain in the you-know-what! To allow a two year old child or an elder behaving like a two year old to tyranize the whole family is to allow yourself and everyone affected to be victimized in a most manipulative and unhealthy way. “Getting by with it” does not encourage either the errant child nor the errant adult to GROW UP into healthy family members. Your mother may be suffering from delayed and unresolved grief over the loss of her father, and even (unconscious) fear of loss of her mother. Or there may quite likely be some significant unresolved family issues in your mom’s family you don’t know about that are affecting your mom’s relationships with her family. Or she may be simply spoiled, self-absorbed, insensitve, grudge-holding, vindictive, and/or woefully immature and unskilled at communicating.

You can encourage your mother to seek professional help at dealing with these issues, BUT, IT REALLY ISN’T YOUR PROBLEM!!! YOU are NOT responsible for your mother’s happiness, nor for her choices at the holidays. You have issued the invitations and you would be very wise to entertain only those family and friends who really want to come and enjoy the wonderful day with you. Your mother has free choice: she can join the festivities with the rest of the family, or she can do whatever she wants to do without the family. Invite her, yes, but let her make her choice and DON’T be manipulated by her threats at any time: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, other holidays. If she wants to join the family festivites, welcome her warmly. If she says “If so-and-so’s there, I won’t come” respond “We’ll miss you but I hope you have a great time doing whatever else you choose to do that day”, and DROP IT!!! Don’t cajol, beg, persuade, etc. Just allow her the right to choose where she wants to be and don’t change your plans to be with the relatives you love. Encourage her to get help, or to resolve her problems with her family on her own, but don’t nag or push. Be kind but firm, strong, and courageous: it isn’t easy to resist threats and manipulations from your own parent, but you’ll never be fully your own adult person if you cave in and allow your holidays — and the holidays of your aunt, grandmother, and other relatives — to be controlled by a grudge-holding, temper-tantrum-throwing child-parent.

Please let me know how you do, and if you need more support for the rest of the holidays, I’m here to assist! (If you send me your general geographic area, I might be able to suggest some resources for you, ok?) Blessings, and may you have a true, grateful Thanks-giving!
Sincerely,

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