Dear Judith,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past year. Before we started dating, we were close friends/co-workers for many years. He was married for 15 years and has been separated from his wife for one year and is trying to get through the divorce, he also has a young teen with his ex.

Not only did our romance start up when he was still married, which was very difficult for me to deal with and accept, but he then confessed to me shortly thereafter that he had affairs with two employees at our company over the years who worked for him, but that he also slept with an ex-girlfriend while still married during a business trip, all of which devastated me to hear because I know all three. I still have a difficult time understanding and dealing with it all because he and I were such close friends when he was doing all of that and I never knew what was going on. He has told me countless times that he is in love with me, has always wanted to be with me (even when married), and that he would never cheat on me…but I just don’t feel like I can trust him because of his past and ours. It actually scares me to think about marrying him because I’m scared that he’ll step out on our marriage (I have never been married). It also bothers me that he still stays in touch with all three and doesn’t think that’s wrong, but it bothers me to no end.

My questions to you: can I trust what he says, that he has changed because I’m “the one” and he has no doubt that he can stay committed to me for the rest of his life? Or am I foolish to believe that he can change, is it always “once a cheater, always a cheater”? I know his marriage was not meant to be from the beginning and had lots of problems and that’s why he says he stepped out on his marriage, and I know that I would never have an affair ever again because it was the one and only time…but I am really scared and need some advice.

Sincerely,

Scared to trust him

Dear Scared to trust him,

I don’t know about “once a cheater, always a cheater” but you already sense that, if he could do it when he was married to someone else, it’s certainly not on his list of “Nevers”!

What I’ve learned over the years is that the person who is unfaithful lacks the skills and/or the courage to confront an unsatisfying, unhealthy relationship. It takes strength to say, “This needs to change, or I need to change”, to either work it out or extract themselves from the relationship.

You also know that, when things are difficult in his relationships, he turns to other partners to get his needs met, rather than deal with the problems at hand with the partner he’s married to. So, you’re asking, wisely, “why would it be any different with me?”

I’d ask you the same thing. “Why?”

Because he says so?

Because he says “You’re the One” ?

He’s never said that before to any of the others?

Hmmmm…Right!

My experience from over forty years of counseling and coaching relationships in depths is that people generally repeat their dysfunctional patterns over and over again. Unless you exert the considerable commitment to clear those habit patterns and develop new, healthy, loving relationship patterns, when things get difficult, the old coping patterns reappear.

Every relationship has rough spots, difficult times, stress periods. If your partner’s habit pattern of coping is to run into someone else’s arms when the going gets tough, “scared” is probably a rather appropriate emotion to have when contemplating a life with him.

It does not lead to a feeling of being safe and trusting in a relationship if you have concerns about your partner’s loyalty or commitment during the difficult times.
Frankly, the excuse that “the marriage was never meant to be from the beginning” is just that-an excuse. It’s a very common excuse used to justify “going somewhere else to get my needs met”.

And I think you know that, deep inside, and that’s why you’re questioning this whole relationship. My recommendation to you is to learn to trust your inner awareness, your intuition and inner wisdom. It is not HIM you need to trust, it is YOU and your perceptions you need to develop and trust!

And it is not that he CAN”T change-of course he can, if he truly applies himself to learning how to communicate, how to resolve difficult relationship issues, to being scrupulously honest and in integrity in his relationships.

I’ve worked with many couples and individuals where change has been deep and lasting. And I’ve had many experiences where there simply was not the desire or commitment to do the difficult work of changing one’s destructive patterns. It is always easier to “Blame the Ex” rather than take full responsibility for what didn’t work and strive to change those pesky patterns!

I encourage you to seek some personal growth work and develop your ability to Trust Yourself and your own Inner Wisdom. Creating Conscious Loving Relationships is a skill you can learn. It is a challenge for most of us - Living in a Loving Relationship is the most difficult and rewarding emotional and spiritual practice we humans can undertake.

Let me know how you’re doing with this difficult situation.

I wish you blessings on the journey.

Sincerely,

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