Dear Judith,

This is the thing, I am married myself to a man who is wonderful to everyone else but not so much with his family. He is severely depressed and alway angry or moody even on medication. I met a man online about a year ago and started talking as friends. The friendship got stronger and we began to meet for coffee, walks etc. nothing sexual. that eventually progressed and we became lovers. it was agreed that we would keep it at this level since he is also married, but also not entirely happy with his wife, and living a similar situation as i am. Somewhere along the line we fell in love and even though neither of us has said that to each other, it has been inferred in many ways and often. Neither one of us is going to leave our spouses, we know that is not a possibility but my question is, is it possible to love more than one person at once. And if we are in love does it make our relationship entirely wrong? Please help me!

Loving Two

Dear Loving Two,

You ask if you can love more than one, and if it’s love then is it wrong to do so? Love and feelings in and of themselves are never “wrong” - or right, for that matter. They just are. It might be helpful for you to distinguish between Love and Romantic Longing, however. (Extramarital affairs generally fall into the later category. Marriages don’t always fall into the former, hmmm!)

Your description of your husband is one of a man seriously in need of help. You say even on medication he is disturbed. That is VERY concerning and warrants much greater and more effective help than he’s getting. If he’s been on medication, there must be some sort of doctor involved. Is it a Psychiatrist or a regular MD? Someone must be monitoring his meds and that doctor needs to be appraised of your husband’s continuing emotional dysfunction.

I’m not one to advocate medicating unless every other approach is explored, but if he’s always angry, moody, severely depressed even on medication then obviously what he’s doing is not working!! As his wife you have an opportunity to follow up on his well-being, and I would strongly encourage you to go with your husband to see the doctor at your earliest opportunity. Ask the difficult questions that need to be addressed here about his condition and care. He may not like it, but it may save his life-and yours, too.

Believe it or not, doctors often welcome a spouse’s presence: they know they’ll get a more complete picture of the truth from a partner or relative than the patient’s self-reporting! And partners often remember to ask the questions the patients get too nervous or shy to ask, themselves. Psychiatry can be a bit different (as confidentiality hits exceptional heights in this field), but even there, your concerns and observations can be most valuable to the doctor designing the protocol for treatment.

If your lover’s wife is in similar straights, then it would be valuable for him to do the same.

It is very, very hard to live with someone who is depressed, angry, moody, in emotional or physical pain. It is draining, unrewarding, taxing….it can deplete you to the point you’re desperate for some refueling. Depressed, angry, hurting people find it hard to give or receive affection or care with others, so it’s not totally surprising that you would reach outside the relationship for some support, companionship, even love.

It’s also not a surprise you connected with someone in the same boat. If there’s anything to the Law Of Attraction, it is that we Attract what we feel, what we project, what’s familiar.

Yet, as you acknowledge, neither one of you are free to pursue other relationships, in the context of marriage. It is understandable you would look for what you’re not getting in your primary relationships, but you’re already aware it’s terribly messy and that you’re ALL trapped in an unsatisfying situation…

You know you’re in a potentially volatile circumstance, right??? Anger and depression do not mix well. Before you unwittingly or accidentally create an emotional storm, I would urgently recommend you seek some professional support. Whether or not your spouse accompanies you, find yourself a good, well-skilled and recommended therapist or relationship counselor. And start sorting out your own feelings, longings, griefs, and frustrations now!

I would as urgently recommend your lover seek the same. If indeed both your partners suffer from emotional instability as you imply, you simply must get the best support possible to healthily manage your respective relationship challenges.

This does not have to be “marriage counseling”: you may surprise yourself that an improved emotional tone and relationship at home makes it much easier to choose your marriage. You may also find that living in a perennially angry, dark, painful environment is not the healthiest choice you can make, and that it is possible to create and live in an environment of love and support.

I don’t know how it would turn out for you. I do know that the more you’re able to sort things out with a neutral, objective person not involved in either relationship, the clearer you can get on what’s right for you, what’s the healthiest choice in a difficult circumstance. In so doing, you can learn how to Create Consciously Loving Relationships for yourselves, your partners, your children, which then ripples out into all your Relationships!

You don’t say whether there are children involved in either family. This is of greatest importance: Children do NOT thrive in environments of emotional pain. It is the adults’ responsibility to seek and accept whatever help is necessary so that children can have the best “home base” possible. There are so many stresses in children’s lives today, they desperately need a home where there is kindness, peace, caring, support, safety. It is our responsibility as adults to do whatever it takes to gain sufficient emotional and physical health to enable us to Be There, to Be Present, for the children in our homes and in our lives.

This is what I wish for all of you: sufficient emotional and physical health that you can each make the healthiest choices to create your own best Consciously Loving Relationships!

Sincerely,

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