Dear Judith,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. When we began dating an old girl friend from his hometown began calling him, due to number changes and moving, she has not spoken to him since we began dating. About a month ago she got his cell phone number by being sneaky. Since then I am not quite sure how often she has been calling, but I know it’s been more than a few times.

Whenever I am there and she calls my boyfriend gets up and leaves the room to have his conversation. He never tells me when or what or how often she calls so it’s left to my imagination because we don’t talk about it. This situation bothers me so much because he told me he used to sleep with her, that they never dated, but they slept together.

Whenever I find out he has talked to her, or I think about it, I turn cold and aloof toward him and I cannot help it. He asks me what’s wrong and I can never say because I can’t decide if I am being jealous or not. But I never tell him, I don’t want him to feel like he can’t keep in touch with his old friends, and I want to give him the freedom and respect I would want, but their relationship is hurting me.

My boyfriend is the jealous type and if any boy called me he would freak out, most of our fights have stemmed from his jealousy, and I do not want to do what I get mad at him for doing. Also, I feel like this type of behavior from the girl is disrespectful towards me, am I wrong?

I am not sure if he still calls her. I have checked his call logs on his phone once, and am afraid to do it again for what I might uncover, and also as not to disrespect his privacy. Basically I feel really hurt, and I am tired of pretending I am cool, and secure with his relationship with this girl.

Just Don’t Know What to Do

Dear “Just,”

The picture you are painting of this relationship is NOT a healthy one and I encourage you to take a very close look at what is going on. I would definitely recommend the two of you get some relationship counseling because the jealousy games that are being played out here spell nothing but T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

• His taking calls from anyone on a regular basis that he leaves the room to talk with while you two are together is the height of ill manners, and, under the circumstances, is also the most obvious jealousy bait I can imagine! And jealousy-baiting is a very dirty game in any relationship.
• Being cold and aloof, not speaking up and telling the truth because you don’t want to be jealous like he is denies the truth of your feelings. And your feelings are that you are hurt by his behaviour. If he continues a behaviour he knows is hurtful or disrespectful of you, then he is giving you the message that he does not care how you feel. And that is not loving behaviour. You need to make a choice about how you want to be treated in this relationship.
• I don’t know if this girl is disrespectful — it is your “boyfriend” who is taking the calls, encouraging the calls, and taking time away from you to talk with her. His is the disrespectful behaviour, my dear. You don’t know if he’s told her that he has a year-long relationship with you, or even that he has a girlfriend. You don’t need to check his call logs — he’s giving you ample, in-your-face evidence that he is indulging in a phone dalliance with his old bed-mate. And this has NOTHING to do with his being able to keep his old friendships — this is a gal he used to sleep with, for Pete’s sake! If his relationship is innocent, old-friend-buddy type, then it can-and should-take place right out in the open, no talking out of the room or secret calls or not including you in the conversation. He’s just begging you to get jealous or hurt or react to puff up his weak ego. I call this jealousy-baiting and it is a very hurtful, dangerous game!
• His jealousy is of concern to me. Especially in the light of his behaviour with this old flame. Jealousy — and jealousy-baiting — are always the behaviours of insecure, inadequate-feeling, immature, and frightened people who, deep down, do NOT feel good about themselves and therefore fear that anyone else coming along could take away their loved one. This condition needs help — often professional help — because it is responsible for sabotaging and destroying many a relationship that could have been quite lovely if the green-eyed monster hadn’t popped up it’s pathetic little head.

If the two of you feel this relationship is worth salvaging, then please pay attention to my first suggestion: relationship counseling would be very appropriate — an outside, objective mediator is often the only way to sort through jealousy issues.

Sincerely,

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