Dear Judith,

I really need help! I’ve been dating this guy for three months now and things are slowing starting to change already. When we first started dating he use to tell me that I was cute, call me “baby”, and call me on the phone very often. Now, he barely calls, he never gives me compliments, and he spends all of his time with his male friends. What’s even worse is that we are both in college and both live on-campus, and sometimes I go days without even seeing him.

Something that’s also funny is that he was the first in the relationship to say “I love you” (which I thought was a little early since we just started dating) but he hasn’t said it in months, I always tell him first. I asked him was anything wrong in the relationship and if we wanted to be with someone else and he said no. I really care for him and I do everything in my power to make him happy, but things remain the same. What’s the problem?

Worried

Dear “Worried,”

Oh, dear! How is it we get hooked into the belief that “doing everything in my power to make him happy” is remotely what a man needs or wants to make him want to be in relationship with us??? How were you when you first got involved? When he was calling you, telling you he thought you were cute, calling you “baby”, saying “I love you”, etc? I bet you weren’t “doing everything in your power” focused on him, were you? I bet you had a Life, things that made you interesting, happy, kept you active.

Then you abandoned yourself and your life and focused all your energies on him — so he didn’t have to do much of anything to keep up his end of the relationship. Indeed, he doesn’t have to do any of the work cause you’re doing all of it. And guys don’t work at a relationship if they don’t have to; in fact, they usually lose interest the more the gal gets “hooked” on them. Sad fact but true — I’ve heard it from a lot of guys — they lose interest when they don’t have to put out any effort anymore.

The problem? You seem to have given up your life for his; you’re trying to make him happy — which is NOT your job; and you might be being super-available so he gets to be lazy and just not put any effort into the relationship.

Suggestions: Get involved with your own life, let go and back off from his, and let him do the pursuing if he’s interested in having a relationship with you. If he’s not willing to put in the effort, he’s really not ready for or mature enough to be in a relationship and it’s better you know now than spend months in a dead-end, you-do-all-the-work-and- he-drops-by-whenever “relationship”.

Take care of yourself and resolve to create a fulfilling, healthy, and loving New Year!

Blessings to you,

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