Dear Judith,

I met this girl at a party I threw a couple of weeks ago. We talked all night long. It was great. I got her number from her and waited the 2 days and gave her a call. Two days later she called me back and we talked for about 2 hours or so. Right before we hung up I asked her about going out this weekend. Well she said that she couldn’t and how about we go out that night. So I said sure, and we went out to a movie that night.

Two days later I gave her a call, and I usually have to leave a message. She’s a biology major that goes to school from 10-6 and after school she is off to work and her Volunteer Medical thing she does. So, I figured that she got busy and gave her a call on that next Thursday. She didn’t call back till Friday. We talked for another good hour or so. This is where I find out that she has a 4-year-old daughter. This doesn’t bother me at all. Again I asked her to go out and she said that Saturday she already had some plans and that Sunday was maybe open. She had some plans but wasn’t sure if they were going to happen or not. She said give her a call then.

So I called her on Sunday and she woke up late. So nothing happened. So she said she’ll call this week. I called back on Wednesday (since the last time we went out it was a Wednesday I figured that she had time then) to see if she wanted to do something. She called back later in the evening around 11, and I was driving and I lost connection with her. So by the time I got home her phone was off. I called her up on Friday and see what’s going on and she was eating and said she’ll give me a call back and never did. I figured I give her one last call tonight and see if she’s doing anything tomorrow. And of course I haven’t heard back from her.

Now I know I seem to be making excuses, but I just want to get everything in the open. This would be my first relationship. I know it pathetic since I’m 21, but anyways.

I don’t know if she’s putting me off, or she’s really just that busy with juggling school, work, volunteer stuff, and a daughter.

I don’t want to come off too strong if I ask her what’s going on? Just need some advice.

I’m All Ears

Dear “All Ears,”

Listening to her and paying real close attention to what she is and isn’t saying is the best place to start. A clue might be in your next to last paragraph: School, work, volunteer, motherhood. That’s a very full plate! And all kinds of last-minute interference can pop up with any of those roles. Give her space, check in, ask her to be honest with you about the time she has available (not much!) and whether or not spending some of her very scarce “free” time (it’s not, really, very free) with you is something she would like — and be able — to do. Take it easy: she’s very busy, and you’re just starting to develop relationships.

This is a remarkable young woman who has lots of high priorities she’s handling. She deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, support, and no extra demands: time with her should be time delightfully nurturing and relaxing. Again, take it easy.

It’s great you’re beginning to date, it is not “pathetic” at all; lots of people don’t start into relationships until their late teens or early twenties, for lots of reasons. Read some good books on dating: John Gray’s “Mars & Venus” series are a great place to start. They’re available in the Conscious Loving store. These will help you feel more comfortable with the often confusing, scary world of dating. It’s not easy for anyone, at any age! It takes a lot of courage, willingness to learn, open communications, and trial-and-error experimenting to navigate the dating world. Make it as fun and enjoyable as you can. It’s easier if you learn as much as you can about relationships, yourself, and the opposite gender. We really are quite different in many ways from each other and an appreciation for the differences can lead to much more appreciation of the wonder of Consciously Loving!

Have a great time; write me back in a month and let me know how you’re doing!

Sincerely,

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